One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Time and time again, I think of how this story applies to dogs and the training philosophy I teach. In horse training they say, in every moment you are either training or un-training your horse. I want to approach in a way that is respectful, calm and confident, an approach that is likely to be successful in my mission of catching them from the pasture or putting a halter on in the stall. This involves reading their body, adjusting my pace and body language, and moving in a way that indicates I will achieve my goal, sometimes blocking or leaning to show I’m able to anticipate their intention if they are going to try to evade me.
From the moment I walk into a client’s home, every action matters. I know some clients are taken aback when I ask them to leash their pup to prevent them from barking or jumping on me. I don’t greet the dog while they are excited that a new person has entered. I don’t let the dog approach me or put their nose on me to have a sniff. When we sit, I ask that the dog sits nicely next to, but not on top of the owner. In fact, I pretty much ignore the dog unless I’m giving them a command to indicate where I want them, a correction when they engage in an undesirable behavior, or a reward for relaxing into the behavior I want.
All these small moments matter because I need to get out on the right foot with a dog. I need to create a dog that will listen to me, respect me and trust me. I need to encourage the dog to be calm, aware, and respectful of boundaries. When I ask for all this, the dog settles down, tunes into me and looks to me for cues on what to do. All the while I’m seemingly ignoring them, but actually guiding and correcting them.
In each moment, in each small interaction, I’m creating the dog I want. While we are dealing with a problem behavior, it is essential to be crystal clear about the hierarchy in the pack (who gets their way, who listens to who), the expectations and boundaries I have, and my dedication to achieving or enforcing them. There are still rewards, but it is more subtle than most people are used to. Just like the friend who rarely gives you compliments, my rewards carry more weight because they need to be earned and aren’t given freely.
If I reward a dog that jumps with attention, if I reward a dog that pushes to the door with opening it, if I reward a dog that barks with attention or affection, I’m creating more of just that, a dog that is excited, a dog that is pushy, and a dog that is demanding. It feels good to provide and receive instant gratification, but just like eating rich, fatty food, that instant gratification isn’t good in the long term. Don’t you appreciate that chocolate cake or those french fries more if you mostly abstain?
When new clients embark on their training journey, I describe what we do as a behavioral elimination diet. There is something in our dog’s lives that is making them think it’s okay to do that undesirable behavior, that they don’t need to listen to us or that they don’t need to exercise the self control required to resist temptations and not react to certain stimuli. When we shift our perspective, adjust our behavior, and have clear expectations, our dogs respond. The same way a dog is immediately responsive to me because of the way I enter the home, your dog can be more responsive to you if I can teach you to act like me.
Once we get back to basics, get on that bland diet, and your dog’s behavior begins to stabilize, then we can start playing with the different elements of our lives together, relaxing some rules and boundaries, and adding in privileges, but all one by one so we can tell what it is that tips the scales for our pup.
When I did this with my dog, Harley, pulling back allowed her true personality to come out. I discovered she didn’t like being pet as often or in the way I was petting her. By abstaining, she was able to show me when she wanted attention, and because her attitude was cooperative and respectful, I could choose when I wanted to meet her desire for affection and when I wasn’t able without her becoming pushy or demanding. I found that talking to my dog as much as I was was confusing and stressful for her. She never knew when I was going to disturb her with my voice and attention, and when I did, it wasn’t clear if I wanted anything or was just, essentially, bothering her.
When I started pulling back, Harley settled, became more confident and more responsive. She developed a sense of self and safety after a lifetime of separation anxiety. Her interactions with other dogs changed. She relaxed, listened to me better, and trusted me more. All by shifting my behavior and the manner in which we had our interactions! The changes in Harley astounded me and improved her life exponentially. That is why I’m so excited to share this method and knowledge with my clients, because it works. It is practiced in small moments instead of taking out 20 minutes a day to rehearse a routine of tricks. In every interaction ask yourself “which dog I am feeding: a calm, responsive dog or an excited and impulsive one.”