How to make human friends (so your dog can be your dog!)

“My dog is my best friend.”

This is something that I hear all the time. It is certainly something that I thought and said over my early years of dog ownership. After I lost Harley, the word I would use when I talked about her was not friend, not baby, but “dog.”

She was my dog.

The most wonderful thing she could be.

I’ve never had a relationship like the one I had with my dog. In my life, I've had a lot of friendships and that word, while warm and intimate, doesn't capture the unique depth and connection of the relationship with my dog.

She was my companion. 

She was my charge: a little life that I was wholly responsible for.

She was my teacher and inspiration for learning and healing.

She was another heartbeat in the room when I was alone.

I understand why people call their dog their friend, but I'd like to challenge this concept because it’s actually bad for dogs when we call them a friend and try to put them into this human role.

To want a close friend or a best friend is an appropriate and natural human need that we have to find human ways of meeting. Our love for our dog and the intimacy we feel with them is a taste of what is possible in connection with others, but it doesn’t put a check in the box of the friend category for us. 

Because we don't speak the same language as our dogs, they can appear to be a perfect friend.

We can imagine they think how we would want them to think and feel how we want them to feel. The misunderstandings with our dogs are easy to ignore, while in our human relationships misunderstandings abound, wound, and disrupt.

What I wanted to share in this article is something that we as adults think we should know how to do, but actually don’t: how to make a friend.

Because I moved so much as an adult and because I changed so much once I settled down in Austin, making friends is something I got good at. The more confident I felt about my ability to make friends, the easier it was to let go when a friendship had gone sour, stale or wasn’t quite right.

Step 1: Learn to be alone

Just like with dog training, the friend making process starts a few steps back from where we would think it would. The first step is to be comfortable being alone. If I'm making friends to have company for company's sake, to distract myself or numb from pain or hurts I'm not ready to deal with, the motivation is ‘away from.’ I’m moving away from boredom, away from pain, away from an internal question about whether I am likable or worthy. When I do that, I enter the terrain of the hungry ghost. No matter how much I eat, I will never be full because I am nourishing my avoidance. 

Before we can truly “be” with anyone we have to learn to be alone. When I started a 12 step program years ago I was confronted with the reality of how much anxious energy I was putting into pursuing people who I didn’t really like that much and who weren’t returning the effort, energy or interest in me. This wasn’t good for me - I didn’t know I deserved better than that. I was scrounging for social crumbs because I didn’t want to be alone. Any action driven by anxiety will be a temporary fix.

Exercise:

Instead of compulsively filling your schedule or making plans with people who don't truly fill your cup and leave you feeling better than you would otherwise, schedule time alone. In The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron suggests taking yourself on a date once a week. You can plan something that you enjoy doing, but rarely get around to, have always wanted to explore, or enjoyed as a child. You could also block out a few hours and leave the window open for spontaneity. 

When we learn to enjoy our own company we can approach relationships from a place of grounded desire, not anxious lack.

Step 2: Get to know yourself

This time alone is vital to get to know yourself. Solitude is necessary to know who you are and the truth of that is ever changing. Many of us develop a concept of our personality and preferences that we experience as being static. The people in our lives can reflect back to us who we were. They even may not want us to change because it would point out to them the ways they don’t, won’t, or haven't.

Exercise:

In your time alone, journal and daydream. Allow yourself to surprise yourself. Instead of referencing a premade checklist, go into your body, connect to your inner compass and at each small crossroads throughout the day, ask yourself what do I want right now? When you choose your choice, pause and see how it feels in your body.

Hold the phone before you call someone and see if your internal thermostat rises or falls. When you get to the coffee shop, look at the menu instead of placing your regular order to see if anything unexpected jumps out at you. When you dine out, listen to the specials. When you shop, see what tickles your fingers before your mind can assess it. Try something you are sure you don’t like again just to see if that is still true.

Once you have a read on this internal navigation system, let that be your guide in your relationships. The answers you get may surprise you!

Step 3: Update your friend list

In order for something new to come into our lives we need to leave space to fill it. For many of us, our social dance card is full, but we still don’t feel fulfilled and connected in the way we want to.

It is a little accepted truth that somehow, without our awareness, the people who add the least or take the most of our energy and vitality somehow take up most of our time. I find the people who bring the most value are the ones I'm reluctant to call. This isn't to say that we should be selfish and only engage in friendships where we are learning, growing or benefiting. There is huge value to being of service to someone in need. This is to say that it takes extra awareness and dedication to make sure that the five people we spend the most time with are ones that encourage us to grow and open us up to better versions of ourselves.

A few years ago I found myself saying yes to plans I knew I didn’t have desire or time for. I wanted to say yes so it wouldn’t be awkward, but I didn’t like that I was out of integrity and letting people down. That was exactly who I never wanted to be, but my social plate was too full. I was maintaining the relationships out of habit or a desire for continuity instead of paying attention to who was really lighting me up and filling my cup. 

I made a list of everyone I knew from text messages, social media platforms, and photos. I dug up lost connections that I wanted to revive.  I listed each name, divided everyone by category, and then marked each with an emoji. 

❤️ Inner circle 

⭐️ Close friend 

✅ Friend 

🟣 Acquaintance 

I moved these on to a sheet I printed out with three concentric circles. The center is my inner circle, my absolute closest friends. This group should be no more than five. Next was my close friends, the people that I wanted to talk to regularly. The largest circle was for my friends, the people I wanted to stay in touch with, but didn't need to be in touch with regularly. Everyone who didn't make one of those three groups was an acquaintance who I would be happy to see when I saw them, but didn’t need to keep up with.

Admittedly this process felt a bit brutal, but it was necessary. It felt good to be honest with myself. There were a few times I had to go back and downgrade someone who I needed to admit I didn’t need to be putting as much time and energy into as I was.

Exercise:

Assess your current relationships with family and friends. Figure out who is most important to you to be close to so you know that it’s important to invest your time and energy into those relationships. Allow the ones that don’t fulfill you to fade away for now. You don’t need to have any conversations about it or cut anyone out of your heart. This list will flow, but it’s important to know what’s true for you right now. Just like cleaning out your closet, this exercise may be easy to put off, but will feel so good to have completed.

Step 4: Values

I know you're probably wondering when we will get to the part where we actually get to make friends. It’s coming. Unless I go through the foundational work, I find the results of my efforts will be similar to the ones I am currently getting.

Many of us have a vague ideal of what’s important to us, but never actually clarify. Once we understand our values they can be our guide.

Exercise:

Journal on what is most important to you.

What qualities are important to you in the people you spend time with?

What qualities do you want to develop? 

What qualities or values do you most like about yourself? 

And who are the friends who bring those out in you?

What are your favorite hobbies or interests? 

What's one you let go of that brought you joy and you'd like to pick back up?

How about a list of five things you always wanted to try?

Go through your list of friends again with this in mind and see if you'd like to make any changes. We may have an old friend who doesn’t bring out the best in us. Perhaps someone we’ve known for a long time doesn’t behave in integrity, but we’ve gotten used to it. Maybe a friend is good at something we want to learn or makes time for something we wish we did more of, like classes, volunteer work, gardening or the arts. A person you love teases you in a way that leaves you feeling depleted. A friend of a friend always builds you up and you have been wanting to get closer to them, but haven’t had the energy. The time to switch things up is now!

Step 5: Find the like-minded

My interests have expanded, contracted, and changed over time. While inertia and habit would have me stay the same, as enjoyable as anything is for a while, it tends to grow stale. I go numb to it or it becomes a chore. 

Maybe something I used to love doesn’t fill my heart in the way it used to. Sometimes I get bored dabbling and need to take lessons to get better or join a group to do it more regularly.
In the past my ego has prevented me from trying new things because it couldn’t stand to be bad at something during the learning process. Whatever you choose first, be sure to bring your humility along. It isn't easy to be bad at something as an adult. With anything new, the truth is you can’t be bad at it, you just haven't learned to do it yet.

Ideally a hobby or activity is a regular part of your recreation time. For our purposes right now we are looking for something that can be done in a group or has a social aspect.

On your solo dates you may have found something you want to learn or pick back up. Now that you are in touch with your inner compass you may have learned you want to take a break from something you thought was a part of who you were.

Exercise:

Picking up something new can feel daunting. It takes effort to find an opening to a new activity in our area that fits with our schedule. Between the hobbies and interests you want to explore or pick up again, the ones you currently have and love, and the ones you are interested in trying, but never have, pick five to 10. Make three that a priority and leave the others to explore over the year. 

Start with one and search for what is going on in your area. I've had success in regional or activity-based Facebook groups, on meetup.com or searching for classes in my area. Don’t worry about choosing wrong - the only thing you stand to waste is a little bit of time and money. Every “miss” is a step closer to finding what you love doing and building relationships with people who also love doing it that you can share that activity with.

Step 6: Be unabashedly bold 

We can struggle to think of ourselves as someone in need of friends because it feels desperate. The truth is there are many other people who are just like you, seeking connection, but perhaps embarrassed to put themselves out there for exactly this reason. We think that as an adult friends should be a checkbox that we have already filled in. Part of our self worth is based on having people who like us. Because our social world, like ourselves, is constantly evolving, making friends is an ongoing process.

I have made more new friends by doing things alone than with friends. Yes, it's a little bit awkward at first, but if I can push through that, doors open. I project an open and friendly energy when on my own in public, one that is warm and inviting. If I can get over my shyness or self judgment about having to debase myself thus and introduce myself to strangers, I have found, by and large, people are receptive. 

I have posted in Facebook groups or on Instagram asking if anyone wants to meet up for an activity. I’ve posted in interest groups, asking if anyone in my area wants to get together and engage in said interest together. I’ve started groups when there wasn’t one and community grew into the hundreds after I got the logistical jump on it. 

Be bold.

Be shameless.

The potential cost of momentary embarrassment is well worth the connection. You have the possibility of creating. When I put myself out there, I never know who can come into my life. It doesn't happen every time but the times when it does happen makes it worthwhile.

Exercise:

Whenever you are in public, in line at a coffee shop, waiting for a drink at a bar, or doing an activity, practice talking to someone. Look around the environment and say something you are thinking out loud. If someone doesn’t pick up what you lay down, that’s okay! This is an exercise in putting yourself out there, not in how you are received. The more practice you get being you and sharing that with those around you, the more likely you are to find those who are going to resonate with you. 

Post in a group and ask strangers if they want to meet up. Ask someone at an activity for their number and reach out to make plans. Think of this early phase as just shaking off the awkwardness around putting yourself out there.

Step 7 Give it time and keep your chin up

It is important to not expect an immediate result. You may not strike gold right away, but no prospector does. If you want a treasure you have to be prepared to go on the hunt.

Looking at your calendar and make sure each month you have left: 

Time for yourself

Time for activities you enjoy, ideally social ones

Time to connect with your inner circle 

Time for a new activity 

And time to explore new relationships

Unfortunately, if you are not intentional in this process it is not likely to happen on its own.

At first these changes will feel a little bit forced and awkward, but that's okay. If you are not accustomed to spending time alone, let it feel weird. When that lonely, anxious, stir crazy feeling comes over you do your best to make space for it without acting on it. Something magical is just underneath those knee jerk reactions if we can wait them out.

This is a skill we are trying to teach our dogs. We don't want to be driven by impulse. We want to be able to steer our own ship.

As you build new friendships, make sure you make time to water them. New relationships take a little bit more effort while they are in the exploratory or bonding phase. If you haven’t made a new friend in a while, this can feel like a lot of work, but it’s worth it. Connecting will get easier the more you try. Find the balance of giving a connection a chance to bloom, but not forcing something that isn't the right fit.

Exercise:

Be intentional and write down the names of one or two people you want to get closer to. Make sure you check in weekly and make plans at least monthly. If the person can’t commit or isn’t receptive, move on. You aren’t trying to build a fan club, you are trying to find your people. Quantity is the enemy of quality at this stage.

Step 8: Navigate difficult moments

No matter the quality of the connection, the path is never without bumps. If it was, that connection is probably superficial. Expect budding relationships to fade away. Find the balance between trying to revive them and redirecting yourself to other more vital connections. 

Expect to say the “wrong” thing or for someone else to. If you have erred, apologize. If you think someone is pulling away, reach out and ask. If someone said or did something small that hurt or offended you and turned you off, practice gently bringing it up. If they respond defensively when you were being vulnerable, take that as an indication of where they are at, not of the value of your feelings or sharing.

Healthy relationships are not ones without conflict, they are ones that can healthily navigate conflict.

Exercise:

When something comes up for you or when it seems to come up for someone else, practice bringing it up in a timely, soft and vulnerable way. This doesn’t always go well, no matter how perfectly you word your feelings, but these moments of conflict are vital for real connection to grow. 

In conclusion…

The warm intimacy and love we feel for our dogs is an inspiration for what we want to feel in our relationships, but it should not be the final destination. The more I fill my social cup with human friendships that challenge and fulfill me in a human way, the more space I have for my dog to be exactly what they are: a dog. Honestly, I can't imagine anything that is better than that.

Why 'how do I get my dog to stop barking?' isn't the right question

The number one challenge for dog owners is knowing what their problem is!

After 10 years of owning my business I can tell you that when people call me for help with their dog, they are calling because their dog is doing something that annoys, frustrates, scares or confuses them enough to go through the trouble of reaching out for help and be willing to invest both their energy and money in professional guidance.

The behavior in question is what they see as their problem, but really that behavior is the most obvious or annoying expression of what their dog’s problem actually is, which usually boils down to how our dog’s feel about us.

How do I know?

This was definitely true for me and I even studied dog training before I got a dog. After getting bitten by a dog in 2011, my miniature Dachshund Harley developed fear based reactivity. She was so afraid of another dog hurting her that, in an effort to appear formidable to prevent another attack, she was causing other dogs to respond to her in the exact way she didn’t want them to.

“A behavior that arises from trauma creates the exact outcome it was designed to avoid.”

This is true for us humans, too. Harley’s fear was coloring her life. She felt it every time a dog approached her and in that activated mindset she couldn’t be present and properly evaluate the dog she was greeting. Every dog was the dog that bit her.

Every greeting was her chance to go back into the past and change the outcome.

Every time she tried to do that, the thing she was afraid of happened again.

I knew this behavior was a HUGE problem, especially when I was apprenticing under another trainer and working with her client’s dogs, but I was frozen.

I didn’t know how to fix it and…

• It was going to be a huge undertaking.

• I didn’t really want things to change in other areas of her life.

• I didn’t understand what her problem really was…

I thought the problem was greetings or other dogs because that is where the action was, but I discovered the root of her problem was how she felt about me.

Even though I studied dog training with two other trainers right before and after I got Harley, I read books, I watched dog training TV shows and I spent a ton of time around dogs, no one talked to me about how dogs saw the world or what they really needed from their owners in order to feel safe in the world. Despite my efforts to educate myself I was just like every other owner, seeing and relating to my dog the way movies and pop culture shows. I had no idea that there was another relationship happening between us in dog language, a relationship in which I, the best dog owner in the world, was fully and completely letting my dog down.

Let’s Talk About Barking

Barking is a common complaint so it’s the example I use most often.

“My dog bark at other dogs on the walk or while playing”

“My dog barks at every little sound at home”

“My dog won’t stop barking when people come over”

Barking dogs have become very common, but that behavior, when compulsive, isn’t normal. Barking isn’t a dog’s way of “talking.” They talk with their energy body language and behavior. Barking is a stress response more than a method of communication.

I notice that the question is usually “how do I get my dog to stop barking?” because barking is the annoying behavior, but very few owners ask “why is my dog barking?” which is the more interesting question for me. Let’s compare barking to having a persistent or reoccurring rash. “How do I get my dog to stop” is like asking what kind of bandaid to put on the rash when we need to find out what is causing it!

Dogs usually bark for two reasons. Either they are excited and can’t manage the intensity of that mental state so the energy comes out of their mouth as a bark or they feel unsafe and are alarm barking, trying to use their bark to alert to the presence of a threat as a deterrent so the threat goes away.

Let’s break down both of those reasons to find the cause.

Excitement

Dogs commonly bark during exciting moments, like:

• when there is a knock on the door and they know someone is about to come in

• when you come home

• when they want something

• when they are about to get something they want

• when they are playing… to name a few

Let’s compare barking out of excitement to us yelling in exciting moments. It’s appropriate at a sports game or during a round of applause. Maybe a shriek or squeal will come out of our mouths if something very good happens, especially if it’s a surprise. As adults we know when it’s appropriate to yell and we are able to stop when that moment passes or if someone indicates to us that we need to. If we were to keep yelling at that point there would be social consequences ranging from dirty looks to someone pulling you aside and escalating right up to you getting committed or arrested.

I’m not saying ALL BARKING IS BAD or DOGS SHOULD NEVER BARK. Barking is a natural response and can be appropriate. My dog barked her whole life, especially if the door bell rang, and that was totally okay and normal. My rule for barking is that a dog has to stop when I ask them to - which my dog did. For most dog owners, that is not possible at all or not reliable across situations and stimulations.

So, your dog is barking out of excitement and can’t stop when you give a verbal command, a leash cue, or even when you approach them menacingly demanding the behavior stop immediately.

Why?

Regulation

Most of our dogs struggle to regulate from an excited energy to a calm one. This is because we love their excitement and are more likely to exacerbate it then to try to mitigate, contain, or disincentivize it. We see a dog’s excitement as an expression of joy and a signal that we have done something very right as a dog owner. This is a loving moment for us, a joy of dog ownership, perhaps even an expression of our subconscious wish fulfillment to be as full of joy and free in it’s expression. We love a dog’s excitement… right up until we hate it.

Most dog owners will only ask a dog to calm down when their behavior becomes problematic. This is the equivalent of putting out a fire over and over when really we need to be working to prevent fires or make sure they only happen in the fireplace and can be easily extinguished whenever needed.

Because we don’t regularly ask a dog to calm down, especially in the everyday, usually at home, happy loving moments where we don’t need them to, our dog’s literally don’t know how to! The number one cause of dog problems today is the inability to regulate their energy or mentality. They don’t know how to go from an excited state to a calm one because we haven’t shown them the way in the quiet moments where long term learning is actually possible. I cover this in lesson 4 of my eCourse and touch on some of the concepts in my article on the “wait” command.

Basic needs

If a dog knows how to regulate, but can’t they may not be getting enough exercise or mental stimulation. Like kids who are asked to sit in class all day long with no gym, recess, lunch or art class, our dogs, who spend 90% of their day home alone or passively interacting with us, our dogs may be drunk on energy. They know what we are asking. They theoretically can do it, but they can’t control themselves in that moment because they have more energy than self control. If we don’t move our dog’s energy in ways we want it to move, it will move in ways we don’t like, like barking, chewing, digging, pulling and zooming around the house. To many of you that may seem like a list of dog behaviors, but if a dog’s needs are being met they won’t do any of those behaviors at home, and certainly not to excess. Each dog needs X amount of exercise each day in order to be a good companion. Experiment with different amounts of time, activities and intensity levels to find out what X is for your dog and make sure to get them out for X + 5 every single day.

Obedience

Body language of a calm dog

I actually don’t use this word very often in my training because I don’t want a subservient, submissive slave that bends to my will or whim. I think more about having a great teammate who trusts me and listens to me because they know that I love them and want them to have an amazing life. In order to get there your dog has to know that their life will become increasingly “unfun” anytime they ignore you - not just when it really matters. In order to have a dog that listens to us we need to know how to communicate clearly (lesson 3 in my eCourse) and how to BE someone our dogs are naturally inclined to listen to (lessons 2 and 5). Building the integrity we need to have dogs that listen to us means giving clear commands and setting small boundaries often at home, where we are in control of a familiar environment with few distractions. Your dog can’t listen to you when there is something going on if they can’t listen to you when there isn’t.

You vs the world

It’s AMAZING if your dog listens to you 99% of the time at home, but that doesn’t help if they blow you off the moment you leave the house. Many of us move too far, too fast with our dogs, taking them out to do the things that '“dogs can do” without first taking the time to build the kind of mindset that dogs who can do it (well) have!

In order to save my dog’s life I need to know that I can give a command at any moment and my dog will listen OR that I know exactly what to do to get them to listen if they don’t. Most owners allow all the fun stuff without worrying about the listening part because it takes time and effort to achieve. Owners often cheat by only letting their dog off leash in fenced areas where it “doesn’t matter” if the dog doesn’t have recall without realizing that every single time they call their dog and there is no consequence for ignoring the command they are cementing a dangerous behavioral norm and relationship dynamic that could truly bite them in the ass one day.

The bar is also devastatingly low. It feels like it’s almost more common to see a dog ignoring their owner’s “come” command than listening to it. If your dog doesn’t listen to your command, that is a sign that you are somewhere you don’t belong and it’s time to immediately change the situation (go on leash if off, leave the park, lower the distractions on a walk by staying closer to home, or working in the yard or house instead of outside). There is no shame in going backwards in your training trajectory!! The truly problematic choice would be staying where your dog is telling you you don’t belong.

How does your dog feel about you?

Let’s find out after we talk through alarm barking.

Alarm

Alarm barking is a normal behavior for dogs and a natural way for them to both signal others that there is a potential threat as well as to deter the threat by showing that someone is present and paying attention. Any “natural” behavior when done to excess in frequency or duration becomes “unnatural” and barking is a perfect example of this.

Reaction vs Reactive

While it’s normal for your dog to have a reaction to certain sounds or stimuli, reactions are appropriate in their timing and duration. If a dog is having a reaction, they can usually be redirected relatively easily. The behavior becomes “reactive” when it happens often, inappropriately, and the dog quickly becomes so stimulated that they are “out of control,” meaning that you have to physically stop them because they are unable to process or respond to your verbal commands. Reactivity is a question of “can you regulate from an excited state to a calm one” as well as “do you trust my assessment of this situation and are therefore willing to be influenced by me in it?” Check out this article on reactivity for more.

Safety

Many of us know that our lives are safe, so we don’t consider what safety means to a dog. In order for a dog to feel safe they need to know that someone they trust and respect, who is better suited than they are for the job of protecting the house and ‘pack,’ is paying attention. We don’t know that dog’s need this (or that most of our behavior complaints are rooted in this basic need) so we accidentally live a life where we convince our dogs, in their language, that THEY are responsible for US. If you are wondering why there are so many reactive dogs today, this is the answer.

When we:

Body language of an over stimulated dog

• Allow dogs free rein of the house and access to furniture

• Let them push into us, lean on us, paw at us, follow us or even to enter our personal space bubble when excited or without checking in

• Don’t follow through on commands

• Encourage disregulated mindsets or reward the ensuing behavior

• Don’t consistently and reliably enforce boundaries

• Provide more love than structure… our dogs see us as someone they can push around and are therefore responsible for protecting.

OOPS! That is literally how everyone’s life with their dog looks - mine included before I learned what I now teach. Think about it like this. If we lived together and you were rude to me, bossed me around, won every argument and ignored my requests, would you trust me to step up and protect or defend you? Would you think that I could identify and appropriately respond to a threat? Would you even like me very much? No, no and probably not, honestly.

It isn’t fair to only ask how to ‘get a dog to stop barking’ without addressing why they feel they have to bark, and that means looking more deeply into our relationship.

So, how does your dog feel about you?

At the root cause of both expressions of the barking behavior is how our dogs feel about us. Unfortunately, most of our dogs don’t think very highly of us.

We don’t understand dog culture so we don’t know how to:

• earn our dog’s trust and respect

• demonstrate that we are aware of and managing a potential threat

• teach our dogs to regulate from an excited mental state to a calm one

• follow through on our commands to build integrity in our dogs’ eyes

Because we don’t understand how dogs perceive and respond to the environment or miss out on their early alert cues, it’s hard for us to know how and when to step in either to prevent the behavior or to correct it. But that isn’t all it’s about…. we have to become someone dogs are naturally inclined to listen to.

I bet you didn’t think changing how you show up to your dog and how they see you and view your relationship would be the answer to “how do I get my dog to stop barking” did you? Turns out it is the answer to almost every training question I get asked! This dynamic - how your dog sees you, how they view your relationship, and how that makes them feel about the world means EVERYTHING when it comes to giving our dogs a great life.

Back to Harley

Her fear based reactivity was about to get me fired and I had to do something. I wish I could say that I noticed there was a problem and immediately dropped everything to do whatever it took to change it, but that wasn’t true. I did my best to manage it. I half assedly tried some training techniques. I avoided those situations if possible. I mostly just watched it happened and downplayed it in my mind because I didn’t want to do an overhaul of our lives together. The trainers gave me a book, some instructions and an ultimatum. Fix it or she can’t come around anymore.

And they were right to do that.

During this time (a period I call ‘bootcamp’ for my clients because I ask them to follow as many of my recommendations as possible as thoroughly as possible for 6-8 weeks minimum) I:

• added a lot of rules and boundaries to our life together

• took away any and all privileges

• reeled back my affection and attention

• became clearer with my commands

• asked for TONS of regulation and impulse inhibition

• created structure in every interaction and activity

I also had to do a lot of emotional work. I pulled back the tendrils of the intense love I felt for my dog and reground in the core of my own being. If I couldn’t stand on my own, how could I stand up for her? Luckily I was doing this work with Harley at the same time I was in a 12 step program, because the concept of god, the support of the community and the framework for introspection in processing my past and clearing the way for a new future were all essential parts of the inner work that dog training suddenly required. I had to look at why I was so heavily invested in and emotionally dependent on my dog for her sake, because as I moved through the training process I learned that my dog’s biggest problem was actually me.

What now?

If you want to address your dog’s problematic behaviors, whether barking, reactivity, separation anxiety, social challenges or excitement, check out my free resources, my Online Learning Programs and my Virtual Coaching Packages to learn how I changed who I was, how my dog saw me, and how we started to move through the world so we could not only resolve her reactivity, but also have the amazing life and beautiful bond that we did.

Every dog is "reactive" (and every person is, too)

The truth is that we can all be reactive

We apply the label “reactive to a dog who behaves this way habitually, but it’s a quality present in every living being. In humans we call it ‘being triggered.’ This means that in certain situations our level headed, appropriate, and mature responses go out the window. We ‘react’ in a way we don’t want to, one that is explosive, inappropriate and causes harm. This can be because a sensitive spot (or somewhere near it) was hit in either a painful way or a way that has historically been painful and we were trying to prevent that pain. Maybe the situation reminded us of our childhood or a past trauma and our survival system kicked in, causing us to act out of character in a way we habitually used to protect ourselves. 

When these ‘reactive’ behaviors are in motion, in dogs I call this state ‘above threshold.’ We can keep our cool in most situations… except that one. We can choose a response in alignment with our values… right up until the moment we can’t. We can draw on our regulation and communication skills… until we completely forget them. Then we are sunk.

While reactivity can appear to come out of nowhere, there is usually a ‘loading’ stage before the explosion. This ‘loading’ stage is the zone in which we can exert influence to redirect or reeducate. Above threshold our only option is to attempt to contain the situation and minimize damage.

My therapist once told me that beyond our threshold we lose our steering. It can feel like an out of body experience as we watch ourselves say things we don’t like and do things we can’t stop. He said the only place where we can make a different choice is before ‘before we lose control’. In order to identify where this before the before is we need to build awareness in the process of us, essentially, going unconscious. We can review when we have behaved ‘reactively’ in the past and identify:

-our general stressors (area, type and amount)

-the problematic location, environment or setting

-the other players

-the types of interactions

-the words that were said

-the parts of us that these words touched (an emotion, value, or belief)

-any factors that remind us of a difficult experience in our past

-what was happening internally and externally before we reacted and, importantly, what was happening just before that

The way I have learned to cope with my own reactivity is with self awareness, in general of what has historically set me off and in the moment of how activated I am. I have a lot of tools I can use to regulate myself physiologically, many of which I learned and use regularly when I’m working with dogs and horses. These include deep breathing, somatic awareness, body scans, prayers or mantras I can repeat to ‘change my mind(set)’ and being in the habit of remembering to keep checking my meters and using these tools over and over, not just once.

When I can tell I’m feeling activated enough to risk losing my spot in the driver’s seat, when I struggle to remember my tools, or when the situation escalates or goes on too long (for me), I need to pause or exit. I have learned my internal warning signs so I can communicate when I’m entering the realm of reaching my limit (“heads up, I can only talk a little bit longer before I need to take a break”) and when I’m getting close to my limit (“hey, I’m at the line I don’t want to cross. I care about you and this conversation, but I have to excuse myself because I don’t want to say anything I will regret). Once I have reached my limit things get dicey quickly and I have to do what I have to do to get away.

The way we learn where that line is is by crossing it. In the process of gaining awareness, expect to cross it a few times and practice self compassion. The difference now is that we are taking those experiences and learning from them. We are gathering evidence, tracking trends, building a list of warning signs and identifying patterns. In every experience we can gain more insight and make a change. In the past I used to use each experience to build a case against myself as a terrible and unsafe person and build more shame. Turns out I wasn’t terrible, I was just forcing myself to stay somewhere I didn’t belong!

Okay, back to dogs

What’s the difference between a dog that reacts and one that is “reactive”? Whether they are capable of “not” reacting. In the presence of a trigger a reactive dog will lose their ability to be influenced or exercise self control and launch into an unmanageable and antisocial behavior cycle quickly and reliably (80% of the time or more). While many dogs reliably react and are on the reactivity spectrum, they do not deserve the label reactive. Especially since, I believe, with the right training and management this pattern is EXTREMELY easy to ease or extinguish in most dogs when the owners find the right trainer to help them.

image from Animal Humane Society

The reason I share all this is that it applies to dogs quite directly. Unlike us as independent adults that must navigate our reactivity on our own (after getting some help from a professional or loved one), our dogs rely on us to help them manage themselves. Think about the situation where your dog is “reactive”…. Maybe they:

-go from 0-100 when they bark at sounds around the house

-seem to unpredictably bark or lunge at other dogs

-snap from being your sweet pet to a cold blooded killer when they see a critter

-jump on company non-stop or frantically follow another dog around, shoving their nose wherever they can get it

Let’s say these are all situations where your dog ‘loses their mind,’ meaning that they go from acting to reacting, from thoughtful to impulsive, from controllable to uncontrollable. This is full on dangerous! Not in every moment it happens, but because the more often it happens the deeper that neural pathway is carved, meaning it could easily happen at a moment when danger is real and present - with a dog who doesn’t tolerate fools and may overcorrect with a bite, near a street when a car is coming, in an unfenced area where they can get lost, around a child they could accidentally seriously injure.

The fix

The way to address reactivity is not, as most of my clients come to me thinking, in the reactive moment or situation. If your dog freaks out when they see another dog on walks, you won’t be able to fix that on walks. Walks are the problem right now so they can’t be the solution. The place to fix it is literally everywhere else. 

All about dat base(line)

Most owners are used to seeing their dog at, let’s say, a level 5/10 on the activation scale. A 5 can jump up to a 7 or 9 pretty quickly. If I let my dog get up to a 9 I’d also be pretty helpless. What I do differently from most dog owners is insist that my dog stay at a 1-2 as a baseline. Then when stimulation comes, they jump to a manageable 3 or 5, giving me plenty of room to redirect, educate and influence them so we can hopefully avoid getting up to a 6 or higher. If we can’t hang at a 1 or 2 at home, how can we expect a dog to roll that low out of the house or when their trigger is present? When we lock in the low baseline everywhere else, our reactivity problem may end up solving itself because we just won’t get near that problematic line.

The relationship

Almost everyone I talk to doesn’t know that their behavior problem is actually a relationship problem. They love their dog So Much and they share a lot of affection and intimacy. Unfortunately, from the dog’s perspective, that relationship doesn’t have a solid foundation and it shows in the dog's attitude and behavior outside of those cuddly moments. Because the owner doesn’t set boundaries (ones that are important to the dog) the dog doesn’t respect them. Because the owner doesn’t enforce boundaries or follow through on commands, the dog doesn’t trust them to advocate for or protect them. I wish that the way we are naturally inclined to act, responsibly, lovingly and affectionately, naturally earned and fostered our dogs’ respect for us. Unfortunately it doesn’t, as evidenced by more dogs than ever struggling right now. If we want our dog to behave differently, we need to shift how they see the world. If we want to change how they see the world, we need to change how they see us.

The mindset

I rarely meet an owner who doesn’t reward excited mindset. We think an excited dog is a happy dog and we love making our dog happy. We are overjoyed that we can receive a dog’s communication and identify and fulfill their need or desire that we do so immediately, accidentally rewarding a pushy mindset and setting a standard of instant gratification. With a heart full of love we are accidentally setting our dogs up for failure in the world. These dogs don’t have an incentive or opportunity to learn how to go from stimulated to calm because we rarely ask them to in the low stakes moments of our everyday lives. Then we end up frustrated and dismayed that our dogs can’t go from excited to calm, or even unmanageable to manageable, in the moments that are disruptive and dangerous.

The home

We can’t fix the walk on the walk. There is just too much going on - too much stimulation, too many uncontrollable variables and the baseline activation level is usually too high for learning to take place. We can’t start addressing our dog's jumping when company arrives. We can’t fix barking when the mail is being put into the box. Where do we have more quiet and control? At home! Owners love to tell me that their dog is fine at home, but the truth is that the expressions of the problematic mindset at home usually aren’t a problem for them. Unfortunately these moments are a problem for their problem. 

At home we can shift our relationship with our dog by maintaining personal space boundaries, asking our dog to stay off the furniture and refrain from following us around the house, so we are setting and enforcing boundaries and earning their respect.

At home we can give our dog plenty of non negotiable opportunities to regulate out of an excited mindset by building a pause into activities and routines that are usually exciting, like feeding, leashing, opening doorways and playing. 

At home we can astutely observe our dog, learning their physical, behavioral, and energetic cues so we can identify that ‘before the before’ stage of activation in a safe and controlled environment. 

At home we can become someone our dog wants to listen to, is in the habit of listening to and, above all else, knows that they have to listen to. This isn’t mean, dominating or domineering. If you are reading this it’s because you care This Much about your dog and truly have their best interest at heart in every moment. Your dog will quickly see that and start to realize how much better life is when they just go ahead and follow your cues and do things your way. 

Want to learn how to change your perspective so you can change your behavior and change your relationship with your dog and how they see the world? Check out my eCourse and Virtual Coaching Packages. I added my Two Weeks To Trained course to the Virtual Coaching Packages so you can not only learn the theory, but see how I put it into action with Arrow the beach dog in Mexico last winter. I have been getting great results with my coaching clients and I’m so happy to be able to work with owners from anywhere in the world. They start seeing results almost immediately and that is what I want for every dog owner because our dogs deserve a better life right now!

Zoomies can be deadly

The two questions that I always ask when my dog is excited or activated, especially when the have the roomies: 

-Are you mentally engaged enough stop, come, or sit when I ask? 

-Are you mentally engaged enough to respect boundaries like staying out of my personal space, off the furniture, in my ‘bubble’ if they are off leash and interact politely with other dogs?

If the answer isn’t an unequivocal yes, allowing zoomies undo the mindset that I work in every interaction to build and reinforce. Zoomies can even put a dog’s life at risk. I’m deadly serious about that.

There is such a thing as “too much fun”

I love dogs having fun. I try to make every day fun. I am also legitimately afraid of the kind of fun that can lead to an injury or dog getting lost or dying. Every time a dog flips into an overly excited mindset, a neural pathway is being paved or reinforced. The more we allow it the more a dog will do it. Since being overly excited is a self rewarding behavior, it’s our job as handlers to encourage dogs to sit in a different seat within themselves, one that is mentally engaged, tuned in, respectful, and, most importantly, safe.

Being respectful, having situational awareness, and maintaining self control isn’t the antithesis to happiness. I can be completely elated & full of joy without crashing my car, slamming into another person, or running into traffic. I can be absolutely elated without getting into an energy that is out of control or behaving like I'm in a mosh pit. Hopefully the people who love to party that way do so in spaces where everyone agrees that that behavior is acceptable. If they didn’t it would be extremely antisocial to the point of possibly getting them arrested. Adults can decide if they want to do this, but across the board we encourage children not to.

Who hates zoomies? Healthy dogs

It’s “natural” for a dog to live in their animal or instinctive brain. Because most owners don’t know part of their job is to work to counteract this mindset and the ensuing behaviors, we are at the point where it is so common that it appears “normal.” I can assure you is isn’t. Guess who taught me that? Dogs.

In the pack of dogs I hiked everyday for almost a decade, when a dog got the zoomies to the point where their thinking brain shut off, my healthy, balanced dogs HATED it. When a dog looses access to their thinking brain they become a danger to the pack. The dogs with more leadership energy do what they have to do to shut it down. I don’t proclaim to know everything about the ways dogs think and interact, not at all, but I do trust dogs. If they aren’t okay with that energy then I support the dogs I trust and also work to discourage it.

When I see owners encouraging zoomies it makes my stomach sink. This isn’t just bad manners, it’s dangerous. You know the old fashioned saying “you kids better calm down before someone looses an eye?” That is zoomies.

What is natural, anyway?

It’s “natural” for kids to do certain things that we discourage in order for them to have healthy social lives and grow into adults that aren’t ostracized or in and out of prison. It’s natural for children to hit or shriek when they are angry or frustrated. It’s natural for them to say whatever they are thinking, even if it’s insulting or even cruel, like the common example of asking someone if they are pregnant when it’s clear to an adult they are not. It’s natural for kids to tease each other in a mean way. It’s up to parents to guide them and show them where the lines are.

Zoomies make a dog’s ears shut off

That is a cute phrase to express a more complex concept. Dogs don’t communicate with each other in spoken language. We can teach dogs a lot of commands and that is amazing, but they will never learn to speak a language. What is happening is that they learn to associate certain sounds with actions or behaviors. 

If you have learned a language you know how much mental exertion it takes to hear sounds, especially when they sound like others sounds, and dig into your brain for the meaning of that sound. It can be exhausting, especially when you are learning. 

Now imagine a time when you truly loose yourself - maybe dancing, doing yoga or another sport, cheering at a sports game or having sex. If someone spoke to you in a second language, it would take you a few leaps to get back into your thinking brain that could hear, understand and translate those sounds into meaning. The speed of your understanding and ability to respond would be highly dependent on how much practice you have. 

The moments that don’t matter matter the most

When we don’t regularly ask our dogs to regulate from an excited energy to a calm energy - even in the house or yard where danger is limited or nonexistent, your dog will definitely not be able to do it outside of the house, around other dogs or when their prey drive is triggered. If I lose verbal control of my dog and don’t have some means of physical control, like a leash, longline or eCollar, they could run off, run into traffic, run into a cactus, off a cliff, into another dog, perhaps a smaller, older, or injured dog that could be hurt or killed, or even a smaller, older, or injured person. My dog could knock into me when I’m carrying hot tea and get burned. They could eat something that could lead to surgery. If they are in Austin playing near Town Lake they could run into the water and die within minutes if the toxic algae is blooming. 

You care about your dog having fun. I care about keeping them safe. There is a lot of fun to be had my way and a lot of danger your way. I promise you, your dog would be happy to regulate themselves if they understood what was at risk, especially if they are “good."

A dangerous mindset

If you know anything about the way I work, I talk a lot about mindset. Owners often focus on “fixing” the behaviors they don’t like, but behaviors don’t exist in isolation. They arise out of certain energy states or mindsets. When owners complain their dog plays too rough, instead of focusing on correcting the undesirable behaviors, I ask owners to learn to recognize when a dog is building towards the energy level or mindset in which those behavior occur and redirect a dog before the behavior happens.

My outward behavior is often dictated by my mindset, too. When I am run down or frustrated I’m more likely to snap at someone. When I’m feeling sensitive or sad, my feelings are more likely to be hurt by something that may not bother me at another time. When someone steps on a trigger of mine I’m less likely to respond like my healthy adult self and more likely to react in a way that does damage. I do work to avoid certain behaviors, but I also work to maintain a calm, balanced, healthy mindset that the behaviors I aspire to can arise from.

In the zoomies mindset my dog is likely to lose the good manners I spend every day asking for and insisting on. If an owner accidentally anthropomorphizes, they will code behaviors as loving and affectionate that I know to be bad manners that will lead to antisocial behaviors.

You are always training or untraining your dog

At a baseline with every dog I encounter, I insist that they stay out of my personal space, off the furniture, refrain from following me, wait in front of doorways, avoid pulling on the leash or barking and lunging at other dogs. At the bare minimum my dog shouldn’t be so activated, distracted or excited that they can’t do these things. By insisting dogs always maintain enough awareness to respect these boundaries I’m ensuring that my dog always has a foothold in their thinking brain. 

By asking my dog to respect and act in accordance with these good, respectful behaviors I’m helping them shift back into their thinking brain. The more I ask them to figure out how to get from excited, stimulated, nervous, etc to calm and thoughtful, the more opportunities they have to navigate their internal landscape. They learn the path back to home base so well that they can get there quickly when needed.

Dog park dangers

Zoomies are part of the reason I avoid dog parks. Dog parks are usually full of dogs who don’t get enough exercise. Owners who “love” their dogs drive them to the fenced dog park and let them zoom around while they doom scroll. These dogs haven’t been trained to be safe off leash. They probably pull on the leash, which is why they aren’t getting walked. They use play and a fenced area as their only outlet for physical and mental stimulation. As we learned in quarantine, being locked up makes us more likely to take full advantage of the times we get to get out. The dog park is a breeding ground for an overly stimulated mindset, overly enthusiastic to the point of being dangerous play and inattentive owners.

The dogs I feel the worst about at dog parks are healthy dogs. Since most owners think zoomies are happy and healthy, the dog that steps in trying to stop the zoomies is often the one getting fussed at. Imagine booing the bouncer when they try to break up a bar fight. Healthy dogs are the dogs who get yelled at and disregulated dogs are the ones who get encouraged and rewarded. No wonder we have a dog problem in our culture.

A dog with leadership energy who takes on responsibility for the environment and the safety of the dogs in it will try to shut down an overly excited energy because it’s a disregulated and unsafe mindset. They do this by doing all the behaviors I discourage in play. They will race to cut the other dog off, body check them, try to pin them on the ground and stand over them, snapping at the dog till they regulate out of that dangerous and antisocial energy. It was absolutely incredible to see the dogs in my pack who would give this correction use the perfect pressure and timing and know exactly when the mindset had shifted back. Both dogs would shake it off and our enjoyable hike would continue.

A dog in a zoomies mindset is more likely to bodyslam, bite, bark at, hump, pin, stand over and overcorrect another dog inappropriately. If I felt someone grab my butt from behind, I may use my arms to push them away as I turn around to see what is going on. If I punched someone I wouldn't necessarily be wrong. I would be in an activated mindset - even a survival mindset. This isn’t an ideal response, but I wouldn't be wrong. Not only is a dog in a zoomies mindset likely to engage in a behavior another dog wouldn’t be wrong to correct them for, they are more likely to operate on instinct and overcorrect another dog. This could lead to a fight or a bite that could be easily avoided if both dogs were calm enough to be in a thinking mindset.

There is truly no harm in discouraging zoomies

My dogs don’t have less fun because of the bar I set for them, they get to have more. When my dogs are in public they are less likely to charge other dogs or play in a way that could start a fight. Because my dog knows they have to stay tuned in to me no matter how excited they get or what is going on around us, they are safe to take off leash and into stimulating environments. This means they get to enjoy more of the world, which is what truly makes for a good life. 

Not only that, but my dog gets to be a force of good in the world. Instead of harassing other dogs to the point of potentially traumatizing them because they think it’s “fun” or are too activated to read the room (and the dog’s energy and body language), my dog gets to be a healing presence - and she was.  If you think you have a “good” dog, if they are truly good in their heart, do you think they would rather be a negative energy that harms others emotionally or physically or a safe and healing force in the world? I think the latter, but they need our help!

Scout’s story

Sometimes a dog’s owner would join our hiking pack to learn how we manage their dog off leash and because seeing 7-20 dogs calmly hiking off leash was honestly a sight to behold. My other trainer and I always encouraged good manners and upheld healthy boundaries, especially around our personal space. Not only was this important for us keeping the dog (and the rest of the pack) safe and to reinforce good manners, but if a dog was so excited that they ran into us it could potentially break our leg, jeopardizing our livelihood.

When the dogs would play we wanted to keep the energy in long and low wavelengths. If the energy became short and steep (ie zoomies) we would say a calm “eaasy” or a slightly stronger “eh-eh” and start directing energy towards the dog with our body language. If they didn’t listen to a polite request we would move towards them, raising our voice, amplifying our body language, increasing the intensity of our energy and commands until we got the dog into a sit so they could reregulate or putting them back on leash. There was always a consequence for ignoring our commands.

When the dogs would play, if they got too close to us we would do a move I call “marching band knees.” Without moving my feet I raise my knees and the movement makes me less attractive as a space to get close to. If a dog did knock into us, we would have a large energetic response that would be memorable enough for the dog to maintain enough mental control when they were having fun to avoid us, which was a win/win.

When Scout’s owner joined us, Scout was very excited to find out that we knew each other since most of the dog’s never saw us and their owners at the same time! She was more amped than usual and when we stopped at the top of the trail to let the dogs play she flipped into an excited mindset. Because we had always set and maintained personal space boundaries, Scout kept track of where we were and used her breaks to avoid us. Her owner, who likely didn’t have the same consistent boundaries around personal space, didn’t get the same consideration. Scout the mini Aussie crashed into her owner with such force that it knocked her down. 

This shows that Scout was in her thinking brain enough to avoid the trainers and the consequence we would surely provide if she didn’t, but she didn’t care enough about her owner to do the same. This is why it’s so important to ask for the boundaries and respect we Need in excited moments in the calm moments where it isn’t essential to that interaction. 

Just because it’s common doesn’t make it normal

When I see videos of zoomies on instagram I see an owner who doesn’t understand dogs. I see an owner advertising that they are encouraging a potentially dangerous and antisocial behavior. I see an owner taking a clip out of what could be an otherwise calm life and pandering to other owners who don’t understand dogs for the positive reinforcement they get every time someone “likes” it. It makes me sad and it makes me worried. It makes the world unsafe for the dogs and humans that that dog encounters and for that dog themselves. 

Now that you know all this, pivot your perspective on zoomies and respond to them appropriately: 

-Learn to read your dog’s mindset and energy so you can step in and ask them to regulate before they get out of control

-Always test to see if your dog can pause or stop when you ask nicely

-Practice the good manners your dog needs in the moments that don’t matter so they will have access to them in the moments that they do

-Call your dog away from another dog with the zoomies - whether they are joining in or trying to correct, that dog zooming with no breaks is dangerous and their energy is contagious

-Practice having safe fun and incorporate pauses into your play

-spread the good word and send this article to the dog owners in your life to help me change the world and make it a better, safer place for dogs

Are we misusing the eCollar?

I love the eCollar as a tool. I initially didn’t want to use it, but when a client insisted, I learned how to use an eCollar. I was honestly astounded by how effective it was. The collar accomplished in two weeks what my other training techniques hadn’t in two months. Their Australian Shepard, who would regularly gallivant in the woods, became a safe and cooperative hiking companion who could enjoy the trails without risking getting lost in them. She responded to that type of pressure intuitively and with irritation at worst. She didn’t yelp. She wasn’t upset when it went on. She learned her job was to come back to me. Because of the eCollar she enjoyed a lot more freedom and she really enjoyed no longer getting into trouble. 

Despite how effective I have found it, the eCollar is often the last tool I recommend. I don’t want my clients to spend the money if they don’t have to. I don’t want to jump to one of the most intense tools before trying the more subtle techniques I have found to be miraculously effective. I want my clients to invest time in the foundation of their relationship, to go back to basics, to make changes in the way they see their dog and become more aware of their relating dynamic. I teach my client to understand their culture, their body language and learn to speak dog.

The way our dog sees us, the way they feel about us, and how that makes them feel about the world plays in to every training situation I’ve ever been in. Whether you follow through on commands, how often you advocate for them in public, and whether or not you move through your life reinforcing good manners can all have a huge effect on whatever is going ‘wrong’ for your dog. Before we address what we are asking the dog to do, we have to ask if we are the kind of person our dog wants to listen to? People are not aware of their behavior is being interpreted by their dog and often our most loving behaviors can have an adverse effect on our dogs.

I don’t use the eCollar until I have made sure my clients have an effective way of communicating with their dog. If they talk to their dog without relevant content such as a command, their dog is less likely to listen in general. If my clients give up and don’t follow through on commands, cooperation becomes optional. If there is no consequence for ignoring commands, their dog has no incentive to listen. Making changes in how they communicate with their dogs can completely shift how responsive the dog are to them, no eCollar necessary. 

I don’t use the eCollar until I have made sure we have clearly explained how we want the situation or action to look to the dog. We set up many moments throughout the day to practice this new way of doing things. I teach a client to read their dog’s stimulation and excitement level so they can shift their communication to be effective in that moment, pause or retreat as needed. I make sure they redo each action if they don’t get it right the first time so the dog learns the new way is the only way from now on. I have them slowly build the stimulation level as the dog is reliably successful so we don’t put them in a situation where they regress to the less desirable or problematic behavior. 

Dogs that tend to respond well to the eCollar aren’t motivated by incentives or rewards like treats, activities, affection and attention. They aren’t effectively and reliably deterred by energetic, body language and leash corrections. Some dogs are thick skinned - literally. They need more disincentive than I’m capable of giving. The eCollar provides subtle then incrementally more of an uncomfortable feeling until the dog decides it’s annoying enough to change course. The stimulation levels on the collar I like go so low that humans can’t feel it. At the lightest stimulation your dog responds to it’s a light tap or tingle, just enough to get a calm dog to check in with you. You incrementally increase the stimulation as you move through the command structure I teach. 

Say it clearly, but pleasantly. Wait a beat to see if you get a response from them or not. Say it again adding your dog's name and a clap if they are at a distance. Wait a beat. Give the command more sternly, using your energy, posture, facial expression and a stern, gravely tone of voice. Wait a beat then go make whatever you asked for happen or change the situation. With the eCollar, we add in a low level stimulation if our dog doesn’t respond when we wait a beat after the third time we give the verbal command then increase it incrementally on each repetition.

It takes time to acclimate a dog to the eCollar. Ideally they have a day or two to smell it and wear it around the house. On leash or a long line, set up minor situations where your dog may ignore you and starting at level 1 find the lightest stimulation that will cause them to pause or bring their attention back to you. If there is a twitch or yelp you are too high and I just told you to start at level 1. When they feel the stimulation, use the leash and your body language with verbal commands to guide them into whatever you just asked them to do. Just like everything else, introduce these concepts in the quietest possible situation and as they understand and become reliable, increase the distractions - like practicing in a hallway or the yard, then in busier and more interesting areas incrementally the more reliable they are and take a step back if they start to fail. You want your dog to associate the stimulation with checking in with you, coming back to you, or stopping ignoring you.

There are certain training challenges that the eCollar is well suited for. I have used it most often for training reliable recall for dogs that want to go off leash hiking. These dogs may have a high pray drive and could die or get lost chasing wildlife. Sometimes dogs are more defiant, willful or stubborn. They cannot be incentivized to be cooperative. The collar, like a big speed bump or a speeding ticket, creates and unpleasant, but not painful or traumatic consequence for ignoring us, the kind humans who cherish their health and safety above all and need for them to listen. Using the collar, these dogs’ attitudes have shifted and their singlemindedness decalcified. They become dogs that are happily in the habit of being cooperative and they bloom as a companion.

If your issue is something that happens only when you aren’t in the room, the collar can be useful for ‘touching' your dog when you aren’t close. Counter-surfing, chewing, climbing on furniture, digging in the yard, eating poo, nuisance barking. Some of these require setting up a camera or video calling yourself so you can spy on your dog and use the stimulation at the appropriate timing and level to deter the behavior, watching their body language . You have to practice for long enough and often enough to truly break these habits. A few set ups isn’t enough unless you use the collar at a traumatic level. You have to carry the collar on you constantly to get the timing right. It’s a commitment and not a quick fix.

Occasionally I have used the eCollar on a dog who is pulling on the leash in a way that is physically dangerous to them and to me. The collar can provide added incentive after we have addressed this pulling at the foundational training levels of building a respectful relationship, practicing self regulation and impulse inhibition, and giving clear commands with appropriate rewards and a clear consequence structure. This tool doesn’t physically hurt your dog, but years of dragging you on a taught leash can. It is also socially responsible to take strong steps to address this as it could be dangerous for you, your dog and others out in public. A dog who can drag you is a serious situation.

After my initial training approach has time to take effect, usually 6-8 weeks, I will sometimes use the collar on reactive dogs. The collar can be a way of reaching a dog beyond his mental capabilities in a strong reaction. When a dog is reacting, they aren’t in their thinking brain. They can’t process language into the alternative appropriate action. They probably can’t even hear you. If my initial recommendations of giving clear commands with a clear consequence structure, building a respectful relationship, and slowly working with the trigger in incremental stimulation levels fails, we add in the stimulation of the collar to get their attention and disincentivize the reaction. Many of us learn at an early age we will get in trouble for hitting. In that moment of anger the threat or memory of the potential consequence is enough to get us to figure out how to process those difficult feelings in a different way. When a dog doesn’t like how they feel when they react they will find an alternative, take the quit cue earlier and more gently, and start behaving more thoughtfully. It is essential that a reactive dog trust you before introducing the collar in this training scenario.

I sincerely believe the collar is a great tool. It has solved training challenges that other tools failed to shift. I have been living on the road for six months and I have one in my car. I’ve been staying with dogs, but I haven’t had to use it once. Why? Because the relational shifts and the way we move about the world with creating the dog we want in mind was always enough to guide a dog out of bad habits and into new, better ones. When a trainer tells you to put a collar on your puppy, gives you a collar at the first session, advertises themselves as eCollar trainers, or suggests the eCollar without teaching you about how your dog sees you, is using the tool because it’s fast and easy and not because it’s really right for you and your dog. 

As a dog owner you have to look at any problem you are having with your dog and consider whether or not, in general, they respect you enough to listen to you. You need to clear up your communication so you can show your dog exactly what you want. Ideally you are practicing the skills you need to be successful and building the thoughtful, cooperative mindset your dog needs to become a true teammate. Have you set them up to meet this challenge? Have you moved incrementally through stimulation levels, showing them what you want and making sure they experience success? 

To me, this is what dog training is. Understanding how we affect our dogs, becoming more aware in our interactions, setting our dogs up to win and seeking to truly understand them instead of jumping to a quick fix and essentially relying only on pain to teach them.

I love the eCollar as a tool, but it concerns me that the article teaching how to set it up is the most popular article in the ‘how to’ guides of my website. It concerns me how often I see dog trainers extolling it’s benefits and effectiveness to owners who are desperate for a fast resolution to their frustrations. I am deeply worried when I hear owners recommending it to each other on forums as a first step, especially when they don’t also recommend having a trainer teach you how. I will always be open to using the eCollar, but I will continue to use it after other approaches have fallen short and no earlier in the training than that.

Giving and receiving mindfully with dogs

What I’m passionate about teaching people, the work I feel I have to do in the world to advocate for dogs, what I know to be true is that dogs are a different species and so many of the behaviors we struggle with are rooted in how we see them and how that leads us to treat them in a way that is not appropriate for who they are as animals or helpful for our greater goals with them.

We love giving to our dogs. We take pride in it. They are the screen savers on our phones, we wear shirts that say ‘pet parent,’ we base our identity off bring a dog owner because it’s such a big and important part of our lives. We love giving to our dogs, but sometimes we don’t always know what they need, what they want, or how to balance that with what we feel best when giving.

The Wheel of Consent

I love this concept and I think it is a great way of better understanding our interactions with our dogs as well as with people. Betty Martin came up with a four quadrant diagram to help us conceptualize a system of giving and receiving. We can give in a way that is generous or selfish and we can receive in a way that is fulfilling to us or doing a service for the giver.

Let’s say you are in a bad mood and I ask you simply “do you want to go for a walk?” I know that you usually enjoy walking and, while it isn’t exactly what I’d like to do in that moment, I think it would make you feel better so I suggest it. You have had a long day and are feeling tired, but you care about me and since I seem to want to go walk and desire your company, you agree. Then we have two people on a walk, neither of whom really want to be here! Betty’s chart helps give the clarity of intention and language to where I can say “would it make you feel better if I joined you for a walk?” to which you could say that you appreciated the offer and may take me up on it another time, but feel like resting. 

The Wheel of Consent ties in to our dogs to help us get clear on what a dog needs or enjoys

Serving - where you take an action to benefit the other

Taking - where you want something that will benefit you

Allowing - where you let another act the way they want

Accepting - where you benefit from the actions of the other

Serving and allowing are giving in nature while taking and accepting are receiving.

Let’s talk about dogs:

Serving - giving your dog one to two hours of exercise a day 

Yes! Any dog, any age. You may have to build up to it, but every dog would benefit from an hour outside the house engaged in an activity. Maybe it’s broken up into 20 minute chunks, but to me this is the minimum daily investment any good dog owner needs to make. If you are out with your dog less than a minimum of one hour every day, meet this daily quota for one month straight and your behavior problem may radically change.

Taking - rewarding your dog when they excitedly greet you at the door, hugging or holding your dog when they strain to get away, taking your dog to a patio to sit next to you in a loud, crowded, public space where they aren’t free to move or interact naturally (especially when you haven’t exercised them to the point of exhaustion that day)

These are actions we take with our dogs that benefit us, but really aren’t what our dog wants or needs. It feels good to have someone in our lives excitedly bound up to us when we get home, but by returning that excited energy, petting them, cooing to them, or pretty much doing anything but ignoring or correcting them, we are amplifying their anxiety at being left alone, rewarding an excited state (and what we reward we get more of!), teaching them bad manners for greetings that could scare or upset company and set a bad habit of generally greeting excitedly that will have a massive negative impact on their interactions with other dogs. We don’t realize the harm we can do by allowing ourselves this indulgence. After all, being excitedly greeted by our dog when we come in was one of the main perks of dog ownership our culture marketed to us. It’s part of why we got them, now the mean trainer lady is telling you that it isn’t good for the dog, your relationship with them, or their relationship with other animals and people. Sorry, everyone. Trust me, if I had better news I’d be sharing it.

Allowing - Teaching your dog to be safe off leash so they can interact with dogs, smell, move, run and explore naturally

We need to let dogs be dogs! Training seems to limit dogs being dogs in the stereotypical way we think of dogs. I find training doesn’t limit a dog’s life, it allows for it. I make sure my dog and I have a relationship where they listen to me unconditionally so I can keep them safe. I teach them to not let me get out of their sight so they don’t get lost. I teach them to come when called so they can keep enjoying the privilege of being free. I teach them to calmly greet other dogs so when I’m not holding the leash they don’t make dangerous choices. Yes, I’m limiting some of their natural behaviors, but these are the dark sides of their personality coin - the rude, pushy, impulsive, behaviors that could get them lost, in a fight, hit by a car, or even ordered to be euthanized.  By saying no to certain behaviors, I’m giving a big green light to something my dog will value above all else, the ability to move freely through the hiking trails and parks off leash. 

Accepting - Accepting their polite bids for attention and giving them scratches, pets, playing calm tug, and enjoying sweet kisses

Accepting is where we benefit from the actions of others that they also enjoy. Most of the time we think of the list above, enjoying our dogs’ affectionate expressions so we can engage in what we as humans know to be loving interactions. For me, what dogs allow us to do is something that we need and want even more than getting love - the opportunity to be of service. We want someone to give to, to consider, even to sacrifice for. 

After years of working with dogs, my list looks a little different. 

The way I serve a dog and the gift I accept from them is a higher calling for me to center within myself and BE who they need me to be so they can feel safe in the world. For their sake I am calm, confident, aware of the environment, deliberate about how we move through the world, mindful of their energy, where their attention is and if they are being impulsive and pushy or tuned in and respectful.

Yes, I miss out on some of the fun other dog owners have. I know better than to think a dog running wild or playing rough is having fun because I know that energy is one that is more likely to cause an accident or dog fight. I don’t let them run up to me, lean on me, push into my space or flip my hand for more pets because I know that it’s rude and will affect how they see me and how well they listen to me. I know that a dog dragging to a smell is learning to pull, be pushy and getting into an instinctive mindset that will lead to them getting in trouble either within a few minutes or at another time. 

While being a dog trainer and knowing what I know has meant giving up on a lot of things that our culture sees as the fun of dogs, I also get to enjoy things many owners never get to experience. I can be tuned in to dogs in a way that feels like having ESP. I can teach any dog to walk nicely on the leash and dogs who don’t pull get walked more. I help dogs learn to be safe off leash and after a lot of time saying ‘no’ to the things that aren’t allowed off leash, they get a life of ‘yes’ enjoying the trails.

A Dog's Hierarchy of Needs

Hierarchy of Needs

Many of you probably learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs in a high school physchology class. The concept is that our basic needs have to be met in order for us to strive for an meet our higher level needs. I have found that this concept applies to dogs in the sense that American dog owners seem to be meeting our dogs’ basic needs and a lot of their desires, but are leaving out an important need that we haven’t considered we aren’t meeting - the need for safety as understood and experienced from their perspective. Once we understand why dogs have a need for safety, how it’s undermining their mental health and what we can do to meet it, we can be the owners our dogs deserve.

Your Human Hierarchy

If you are reading this article, it’s unlikely that you have fear around your basic needs being met. People who are worried about access to food, clean water, or shelter aren’t taking the time to learn about dog training. Many of the people reading this are not worrying about their basic physiological needs. We need make constant effort to maintain them, but don’t have fear about whether or not we will be able to.

Many of us are also lucky to not live in constant fear of violence. We are mindful of what streets we walk down, we lock doors, we are careful about the company we keep, but we don’t live in a war zone and generally have an expectation of basic safety day to day.

The epidemic of loneliness and isolation was the subject of a recent report by the Surgeon General and we are learning more about the health effects of these social deficiencies that the pandemic revealed and exacerbated. Still, many of us are connected to our family, as fraught as those relationships can be. We have opportunities to connect with colleagues or are still in touch with friends from school or our childhood. We can find like minded people who share our interests through online communities or local meet ups. With cars, single family housing and lack of the local community that was grounded by attending weekly religious services, we are as a society lonelier than ever before. Many people get pets to help fill these socialization holes and ease our feelings of loneliness.

Only once our basic survival needs are met, our bodies are safe, and we feel connected socially, we can expand to meeting our achievement and esoteric needs. Esteem means respect and admiration, including self respect. Seeking esteem is a growth stage where we focus on becoming a respected and contributing member of the society and social groups we belong to.

At the top of the pyramid comes self actualization. This may be something we aren’t conscious we strive for or something we pointedly dedicate ourselves to. It’s the drive to become everything we are capable of being.

Many of us meet our dog’s basic needs for food, water, shelter, but we don’t adequately meet their physical need for exercise and mental stimulation. We meet their social needs for belongingness by giving them a place in our home, family, and heart. We attempt to meet their canine socialization needs at dog parks and day cares or doing on leash greetings on walks, but often miss the mark. Healthy socializing for dogs is so much more than play and often looks more like peacefully coexisting, an interaction so subtle it’s hard for us humans to grasp the depth of.

While we unconditionally love and include our dogs and that is, on one level, a good thing, we miss the important step of asking them to also powerfully show up for the relationship beyond just being alive and present. Their existence, their company, their antics and way of engaging with and appreciating the world brings us joy. We call the way it makes us feel unconditional love. It’s part of why we get dogs, to experience the flow of that love to and from them, uncomplicated by the nuance and complications of our human connections. Unfortunately this ends up being problematic for them

• Because human relationships are complicated, we get dogs to have a loving connection with.

• Because we want this relationship to be the loving and pleasant balance we need, we avoid having difficult moments with our dogs.

• Because we don’t know what is the appropriate response to behavior we don’t like, having been sold the myth that treats and rewards can solve any issue, we manage or ignore undesirable behaviors instead of resolving them.

• Because we have told ourselves that the behavior is acceptable, our dogs are anywhere from unpleasant to dangerous in public and we defiantly defend their right to be as we are and our right to not shield the world from them.

• Because our dogs are difficult on walks, leash reactive, anxious or full out aggressive, we take them out less. Because we take them out less, they are under exposed and become fearful or used to being in an environment where they always get what they want when they want it and their frustration tolerance is minimal.

• Because we are committed to seeing dogs as friends, children and even partners, we are afraid adding more structure to the relationship will threaten what we code as our dog’s love for us and remove an essential pillar of social and emotional support in our own lives.

• Because we don’t have the support systems we need to feel good about and solid within ourselves, we struggle to call our dogs out or ask more of them, leaving them as impulsive, selfish, unhappy and underdeveloped versions of themselves.

• Because we are missing a pillar of psychological health, we rob our dogs of it in an attempt to shortcut or bypass the inner work required to become whole humans.

When we tolerate our dogs’ bad behaviors, there is a level of psychological projection at play here. It’s we want to be accepted exactly as we are at the most base level: wild, selfish, and unfiltered. Perhaps this need wasn’t met in an age appropriate window in childhood and part of us unconsciously asks ‘what if.’ If only I could be loved exactly as I was. If only I could really let down around someone and be myself. If only someone would truly accept me. If only I could not try and still be good enough. This is a question I hope everyone can experience first hand so they don’t have to take my word on it, but the answer is disaster. When we are around someone who tolerates our bad behavior, it doesn’t have a healing effect, but a snowball effect. We rise to the bar that is set for us and when that bar is low, we descend to it.

We don’t know some dog behaviors are rude because we code the same action different when a human we care about engages it in. This is the cuddling, leaning, initiating/demanding affectionate exchanges, stepping on, sleeping on the feet of, pushing your body out of a space. I thought this stuff was cute, too, until I was taught otherwise. After almost 10 years of being around groups of dogs and learning what dogs will and won’t tolerate from each other, I can say that dogs need to have a certain relationship to let another dog in their space and the action must be initiated with very calm and tentative energy to be well received. This is often not the case in the ‘loving' interactions I see with dogs and humans.

Other behaviors we code as ‘dogs being dogs.’ This includes barking, pulling on walks or towards smells or other stimuli, jumping on company, getting into scuffles at the dog park or running at top speed in ‘play.’ These are all the marks of a dog whose mind is unshaped by training, an uncivilized and unguided dog. Unfortunately these behaviors have become so common they appear to be the norm even though they aren’t normal. The way I know these behaviors aren’t normal, again, is by watching how other dogs respond to them. These are stress behaviors, behaviors that stem from impulses not being curbed. The same way children interrupt, throw tantrums, yell, hit when they are frustrated, struggle to sit still, our dogs share these impulsive tendencies. The same way we lovingly have to set boundaries with children and educate them on these behaviors being on the antisocial range and therefore unacceptable, we need to do this for our dogs, but fail to. These behaviors that will cause adults, even teens, trouble because of how badly others will respond and the way that will limit their opportunities.

When we know the bar our dogs can reach, that of being a calm, balanced, patient, even considerate companion, we can lovingly hold them to that standard, incentivizing positive behaviors and disincentivizing the undesirable ones. When our dogs settle into a life with limits, they learn to manage their frustration and impulses, padding the breaks on their desires, taking the others around them into consideration. When they do this, their social world blossoms outside of just us and our often enmeshed and codependent love. When they learn to overcome their impulses, they build esteem. Being more mentally, settled they are able to behave in a way that is helpful and supportive to others, becoming a force for good in society.

Self actualization isn’t reached on the path of least resistance. It’s a higher calling, one that we gather ourselves for. It involves dedication, commitment, restraint, frustration, internal navigation. It is the ultimate prize and, like all prizes worth having, like the ones that feel the best to achieve, is hard-won. When we ask our dog to work with us to achieve true partnership, when we ask them to succumb to the limitation of their role as a dog, and thus to flourish in it, when we build a relationship beyond that of projecting on them what we need them to be and using them to fill a hole in our own lives, our dogs have a chance to have something we all want, a life well lived as a force of good, a legacy, we can be proud of.