Why 'how do I get my dog to stop barking?' isn't the right question

The number one challenge for dog owners is knowing what their problem is!

After 10 years of owning my business I can tell you that when people call me for help with their dog, they are calling because their dog is doing something that annoys, frustrates, scares or confuses them enough to go through the trouble of reaching out for help and be willing to invest both their energy and money in professional guidance.

The behavior in question is what they see as their problem, but really that behavior is the most obvious or annoying expression of what their dog’s problem actually is, which usually boils down to how our dog’s feel about us.

How do I know?

This was definitely true for me and I even studied dog training before I got a dog. After getting bitten by a dog in 2011, my miniature Dachshund Harley developed fear based reactivity. She was so afraid of another dog hurting her that, in an effort to appear formidable to prevent another attack, she was causing other dogs to respond to her in the exact way she didn’t want them to.

“A behavior that arises from trauma creates the exact outcome it was designed to avoid.”

This is true for us humans, too. Harley’s fear was coloring her life. She felt it every time a dog approached her and in that activated mindset she couldn’t be present and properly evaluate the dog she was greeting. Every dog was the dog that bit her.

Every greeting was her chance to go back into the past and change the outcome.

Every time she tried to do that, the thing she was afraid of happened again.

I knew this behavior was a HUGE problem, especially when I was apprenticing under another trainer and working with her client’s dogs, but I was frozen.

I didn’t know how to fix it and…

• It was going to be a huge undertaking.

• I didn’t really want things to change in other areas of her life.

• I didn’t understand what her problem really was…

I thought the problem was greetings or other dogs because that is where the action was, but I discovered the root of her problem was how she felt about me.

Even though I studied dog training with two other trainers right before and after I got Harley, I read books, I watched dog training TV shows and I spent a ton of time around dogs, no one talked to me about how dogs saw the world or what they really needed from their owners in order to feel safe in the world. Despite my efforts to educate myself I was just like every other owner, seeing and relating to my dog the way movies and pop culture shows. I had no idea that there was another relationship happening between us in dog language, a relationship in which I, the best dog owner in the world, was fully and completely letting my dog down.

Let’s Talk About Barking

Barking is a common complaint so it’s the example I use most often.

“My dog bark at other dogs on the walk or while playing”

“My dog barks at every little sound at home”

“My dog won’t stop barking when people come over”

Barking dogs have become very common, but that behavior, when compulsive, isn’t normal. Barking isn’t a dog’s way of “talking.” They talk with their energy body language and behavior. Barking is a stress response more than a method of communication.

I notice that the question is usually “how do I get my dog to stop barking?” because barking is the annoying behavior, but very few owners ask “why is my dog barking?” which is the more interesting question for me. Let’s compare barking to having a persistent or reoccurring rash. “How do I get my dog to stop” is like asking what kind of bandaid to put on the rash when we need to find out what is causing it!

Dogs usually bark for two reasons. Either they are excited and can’t manage the intensity of that mental state so the energy comes out of their mouth as a bark or they feel unsafe and are alarm barking, trying to use their bark to alert to the presence of a threat as a deterrent so the threat goes away.

Let’s break down both of those reasons to find the cause.

Excitement

Dogs commonly bark during exciting moments, like:

• when there is a knock on the door and they know someone is about to come in

• when you come home

• when they want something

• when they are about to get something they want

• when they are playing… to name a few

Let’s compare barking out of excitement to us yelling in exciting moments. It’s appropriate at a sports game or during a round of applause. Maybe a shriek or squeal will come out of our mouths if something very good happens, especially if it’s a surprise. As adults we know when it’s appropriate to yell and we are able to stop when that moment passes or if someone indicates to us that we need to. If we were to keep yelling at that point there would be social consequences ranging from dirty looks to someone pulling you aside and escalating right up to you getting committed or arrested.

I’m not saying ALL BARKING IS BAD or DOGS SHOULD NEVER BARK. Barking is a natural response and can be appropriate. My dog barked her whole life, especially if the door bell rang, and that was totally okay and normal. My rule for barking is that a dog has to stop when I ask them to - which my dog did. For most dog owners, that is not possible at all or not reliable across situations and stimulations.

So, your dog is barking out of excitement and can’t stop when you give a verbal command, a leash cue, or even when you approach them menacingly demanding the behavior stop immediately.

Why?

Regulation

Most of our dogs struggle to regulate from an excited energy to a calm one. This is because we love their excitement and are more likely to exacerbate it then to try to mitigate, contain, or disincentivize it. We see a dog’s excitement as an expression of joy and a signal that we have done something very right as a dog owner. This is a loving moment for us, a joy of dog ownership, perhaps even an expression of our subconscious wish fulfillment to be as full of joy and free in it’s expression. We love a dog’s excitement… right up until we hate it.

Most dog owners will only ask a dog to calm down when their behavior becomes problematic. This is the equivalent of putting out a fire over and over when really we need to be working to prevent fires or make sure they only happen in the fireplace and can be easily extinguished whenever needed.

Because we don’t regularly ask a dog to calm down, especially in the everyday, usually at home, happy loving moments where we don’t need them to, our dog’s literally don’t know how to! The number one cause of dog problems today is the inability to regulate their energy or mentality. They don’t know how to go from an excited state to a calm one because we haven’t shown them the way in the quiet moments where long term learning is actually possible. I cover this in lesson 4 of my eCourse and touch on some of the concepts in my article on the “wait” command.

Basic needs

If a dog knows how to regulate, but can’t they may not be getting enough exercise or mental stimulation. Like kids who are asked to sit in class all day long with no gym, recess, lunch or art class, our dogs, who spend 90% of their day home alone or passively interacting with us, our dogs may be drunk on energy. They know what we are asking. They theoretically can do it, but they can’t control themselves in that moment because they have more energy than self control. If we don’t move our dog’s energy in ways we want it to move, it will move in ways we don’t like, like barking, chewing, digging, pulling and zooming around the house. To many of you that may seem like a list of dog behaviors, but if a dog’s needs are being met they won’t do any of those behaviors at home, and certainly not to excess. Each dog needs X amount of exercise each day in order to be a good companion. Experiment with different amounts of time, activities and intensity levels to find out what X is for your dog and make sure to get them out for X + 5 every single day.

Obedience

Body language of a calm dog

I actually don’t use this word very often in my training because I don’t want a subservient, submissive slave that bends to my will or whim. I think more about having a great teammate who trusts me and listens to me because they know that I love them and want them to have an amazing life. In order to get there your dog has to know that their life will become increasingly “unfun” anytime they ignore you - not just when it really matters. In order to have a dog that listens to us we need to know how to communicate clearly (lesson 3 in my eCourse) and how to BE someone our dogs are naturally inclined to listen to (lessons 2 and 5). Building the integrity we need to have dogs that listen to us means giving clear commands and setting small boundaries often at home, where we are in control of a familiar environment with few distractions. Your dog can’t listen to you when there is something going on if they can’t listen to you when there isn’t.

You vs the world

It’s AMAZING if your dog listens to you 99% of the time at home, but that doesn’t help if they blow you off the moment you leave the house. Many of us move too far, too fast with our dogs, taking them out to do the things that '“dogs can do” without first taking the time to build the kind of mindset that dogs who can do it (well) have!

In order to save my dog’s life I need to know that I can give a command at any moment and my dog will listen OR that I know exactly what to do to get them to listen if they don’t. Most owners allow all the fun stuff without worrying about the listening part because it takes time and effort to achieve. Owners often cheat by only letting their dog off leash in fenced areas where it “doesn’t matter” if the dog doesn’t have recall without realizing that every single time they call their dog and there is no consequence for ignoring the command they are cementing a dangerous behavioral norm and relationship dynamic that could truly bite them in the ass one day.

The bar is also devastatingly low. It feels like it’s almost more common to see a dog ignoring their owner’s “come” command than listening to it. If your dog doesn’t listen to your command, that is a sign that you are somewhere you don’t belong and it’s time to immediately change the situation (go on leash if off, leave the park, lower the distractions on a walk by staying closer to home, or working in the yard or house instead of outside). There is no shame in going backwards in your training trajectory!! The truly problematic choice would be staying where your dog is telling you you don’t belong.

How does your dog feel about you?

Let’s find out after we talk through alarm barking.

Alarm

Alarm barking is a normal behavior for dogs and a natural way for them to both signal others that there is a potential threat as well as to deter the threat by showing that someone is present and paying attention. Any “natural” behavior when done to excess in frequency or duration becomes “unnatural” and barking is a perfect example of this.

Reaction vs Reactive

While it’s normal for your dog to have a reaction to certain sounds or stimuli, reactions are appropriate in their timing and duration. If a dog is having a reaction, they can usually be redirected relatively easily. The behavior becomes “reactive” when it happens often, inappropriately, and the dog quickly becomes so stimulated that they are “out of control,” meaning that you have to physically stop them because they are unable to process or respond to your verbal commands. Reactivity is a question of “can you regulate from an excited state to a calm one” as well as “do you trust my assessment of this situation and are therefore willing to be influenced by me in it?” Check out this article on reactivity for more.

Safety

Many of us know that our lives are safe, so we don’t consider what safety means to a dog. In order for a dog to feel safe they need to know that someone they trust and respect, who is better suited than they are for the job of protecting the house and ‘pack,’ is paying attention. We don’t know that dog’s need this (or that most of our behavior complaints are rooted in this basic need) so we accidentally live a life where we convince our dogs, in their language, that THEY are responsible for US. If you are wondering why there are so many reactive dogs today, this is the answer.

When we:

Body language of an over stimulated dog

• Allow dogs free rein of the house and access to furniture

• Let them push into us, lean on us, paw at us, follow us or even to enter our personal space bubble when excited or without checking in

• Don’t follow through on commands

• Encourage disregulated mindsets or reward the ensuing behavior

• Don’t consistently and reliably enforce boundaries

• Provide more love than structure… our dogs see us as someone they can push around and are therefore responsible for protecting.

OOPS! That is literally how everyone’s life with their dog looks - mine included before I learned what I now teach. Think about it like this. If we lived together and you were rude to me, bossed me around, won every argument and ignored my requests, would you trust me to step up and protect or defend you? Would you think that I could identify and appropriately respond to a threat? Would you even like me very much? No, no and probably not, honestly.

It isn’t fair to only ask how to ‘get a dog to stop barking’ without addressing why they feel they have to bark, and that means looking more deeply into our relationship.

So, how does your dog feel about you?

At the root cause of both expressions of the barking behavior is how our dogs feel about us. Unfortunately, most of our dogs don’t think very highly of us.

We don’t understand dog culture so we don’t know how to:

• earn our dog’s trust and respect

• demonstrate that we are aware of and managing a potential threat

• teach our dogs to regulate from an excited mental state to a calm one

• follow through on our commands to build integrity in our dogs’ eyes

Because we don’t understand how dogs perceive and respond to the environment or miss out on their early alert cues, it’s hard for us to know how and when to step in either to prevent the behavior or to correct it. But that isn’t all it’s about…. we have to become someone dogs are naturally inclined to listen to.

I bet you didn’t think changing how you show up to your dog and how they see you and view your relationship would be the answer to “how do I get my dog to stop barking” did you? Turns out it is the answer to almost every training question I get asked! This dynamic - how your dog sees you, how they view your relationship, and how that makes them feel about the world means EVERYTHING when it comes to giving our dogs a great life.

Back to Harley

Her fear based reactivity was about to get me fired and I had to do something. I wish I could say that I noticed there was a problem and immediately dropped everything to do whatever it took to change it, but that wasn’t true. I did my best to manage it. I half assedly tried some training techniques. I avoided those situations if possible. I mostly just watched it happened and downplayed it in my mind because I didn’t want to do an overhaul of our lives together. The trainers gave me a book, some instructions and an ultimatum. Fix it or she can’t come around anymore.

And they were right to do that.

During this time (a period I call ‘bootcamp’ for my clients because I ask them to follow as many of my recommendations as possible as thoroughly as possible for 6-8 weeks minimum) I:

• added a lot of rules and boundaries to our life together

• took away any and all privileges

• reeled back my affection and attention

• became clearer with my commands

• asked for TONS of regulation and impulse inhibition

• created structure in every interaction and activity

I also had to do a lot of emotional work. I pulled back the tendrils of the intense love I felt for my dog and reground in the core of my own being. If I couldn’t stand on my own, how could I stand up for her? Luckily I was doing this work with Harley at the same time I was in a 12 step program, because the concept of god, the support of the community and the framework for introspection in processing my past and clearing the way for a new future were all essential parts of the inner work that dog training suddenly required. I had to look at why I was so heavily invested in and emotionally dependent on my dog for her sake, because as I moved through the training process I learned that my dog’s biggest problem was actually me.

What now?

If you want to address your dog’s problematic behaviors, whether barking, reactivity, separation anxiety, social challenges or excitement, check out my free resources, my Online Learning Programs and my Virtual Coaching Packages to learn how I changed who I was, how my dog saw me, and how we started to move through the world so we could not only resolve her reactivity, but also have the amazing life and beautiful bond that we did.

Zoomies can be deadly

The two questions that I always ask when my dog is excited or activated, especially when the have the roomies: 

-Are you mentally engaged enough stop, come, or sit when I ask? 

-Are you mentally engaged enough to respect boundaries like staying out of my personal space, off the furniture, in my ‘bubble’ if they are off leash and interact politely with other dogs?

If the answer isn’t an unequivocal yes, allowing zoomies undo the mindset that I work in every interaction to build and reinforce. Zoomies can even put a dog’s life at risk. I’m deadly serious about that.

There is such a thing as “too much fun”

I love dogs having fun. I try to make every day fun. I am also legitimately afraid of the kind of fun that can lead to an injury or dog getting lost or dying. Every time a dog flips into an overly excited mindset, a neural pathway is being paved or reinforced. The more we allow it the more a dog will do it. Since being overly excited is a self rewarding behavior, it’s our job as handlers to encourage dogs to sit in a different seat within themselves, one that is mentally engaged, tuned in, respectful, and, most importantly, safe.

Being respectful, having situational awareness, and maintaining self control isn’t the antithesis to happiness. I can be completely elated & full of joy without crashing my car, slamming into another person, or running into traffic. I can be absolutely elated without getting into an energy that is out of control or behaving like I'm in a mosh pit. Hopefully the people who love to party that way do so in spaces where everyone agrees that that behavior is acceptable. If they didn’t it would be extremely antisocial to the point of possibly getting them arrested. Adults can decide if they want to do this, but across the board we encourage children not to.

Who hates zoomies? Healthy dogs

It’s “natural” for a dog to live in their animal or instinctive brain. Because most owners don’t know part of their job is to work to counteract this mindset and the ensuing behaviors, we are at the point where it is so common that it appears “normal.” I can assure you is isn’t. Guess who taught me that? Dogs.

In the pack of dogs I hiked everyday for almost a decade, when a dog got the zoomies to the point where their thinking brain shut off, my healthy, balanced dogs HATED it. When a dog looses access to their thinking brain they become a danger to the pack. The dogs with more leadership energy do what they have to do to shut it down. I don’t proclaim to know everything about the ways dogs think and interact, not at all, but I do trust dogs. If they aren’t okay with that energy then I support the dogs I trust and also work to discourage it.

When I see owners encouraging zoomies it makes my stomach sink. This isn’t just bad manners, it’s dangerous. You know the old fashioned saying “you kids better calm down before someone looses an eye?” That is zoomies.

What is natural, anyway?

It’s “natural” for kids to do certain things that we discourage in order for them to have healthy social lives and grow into adults that aren’t ostracized or in and out of prison. It’s natural for children to hit or shriek when they are angry or frustrated. It’s natural for them to say whatever they are thinking, even if it’s insulting or even cruel, like the common example of asking someone if they are pregnant when it’s clear to an adult they are not. It’s natural for kids to tease each other in a mean way. It’s up to parents to guide them and show them where the lines are.

Zoomies make a dog’s ears shut off

That is a cute phrase to express a more complex concept. Dogs don’t communicate with each other in spoken language. We can teach dogs a lot of commands and that is amazing, but they will never learn to speak a language. What is happening is that they learn to associate certain sounds with actions or behaviors. 

If you have learned a language you know how much mental exertion it takes to hear sounds, especially when they sound like others sounds, and dig into your brain for the meaning of that sound. It can be exhausting, especially when you are learning. 

Now imagine a time when you truly loose yourself - maybe dancing, doing yoga or another sport, cheering at a sports game or having sex. If someone spoke to you in a second language, it would take you a few leaps to get back into your thinking brain that could hear, understand and translate those sounds into meaning. The speed of your understanding and ability to respond would be highly dependent on how much practice you have. 

The moments that don’t matter matter the most

When we don’t regularly ask our dogs to regulate from an excited energy to a calm energy - even in the house or yard where danger is limited or nonexistent, your dog will definitely not be able to do it outside of the house, around other dogs or when their prey drive is triggered. If I lose verbal control of my dog and don’t have some means of physical control, like a leash, longline or eCollar, they could run off, run into traffic, run into a cactus, off a cliff, into another dog, perhaps a smaller, older, or injured dog that could be hurt or killed, or even a smaller, older, or injured person. My dog could knock into me when I’m carrying hot tea and get burned. They could eat something that could lead to surgery. If they are in Austin playing near Town Lake they could run into the water and die within minutes if the toxic algae is blooming. 

You care about your dog having fun. I care about keeping them safe. There is a lot of fun to be had my way and a lot of danger your way. I promise you, your dog would be happy to regulate themselves if they understood what was at risk, especially if they are “good."

A dangerous mindset

If you know anything about the way I work, I talk a lot about mindset. Owners often focus on “fixing” the behaviors they don’t like, but behaviors don’t exist in isolation. They arise out of certain energy states or mindsets. When owners complain their dog plays too rough, instead of focusing on correcting the undesirable behaviors, I ask owners to learn to recognize when a dog is building towards the energy level or mindset in which those behavior occur and redirect a dog before the behavior happens.

My outward behavior is often dictated by my mindset, too. When I am run down or frustrated I’m more likely to snap at someone. When I’m feeling sensitive or sad, my feelings are more likely to be hurt by something that may not bother me at another time. When someone steps on a trigger of mine I’m less likely to respond like my healthy adult self and more likely to react in a way that does damage. I do work to avoid certain behaviors, but I also work to maintain a calm, balanced, healthy mindset that the behaviors I aspire to can arise from.

In the zoomies mindset my dog is likely to lose the good manners I spend every day asking for and insisting on. If an owner accidentally anthropomorphizes, they will code behaviors as loving and affectionate that I know to be bad manners that will lead to antisocial behaviors.

You are always training or untraining your dog

At a baseline with every dog I encounter, I insist that they stay out of my personal space, off the furniture, refrain from following me, wait in front of doorways, avoid pulling on the leash or barking and lunging at other dogs. At the bare minimum my dog shouldn’t be so activated, distracted or excited that they can’t do these things. By insisting dogs always maintain enough awareness to respect these boundaries I’m ensuring that my dog always has a foothold in their thinking brain. 

By asking my dog to respect and act in accordance with these good, respectful behaviors I’m helping them shift back into their thinking brain. The more I ask them to figure out how to get from excited, stimulated, nervous, etc to calm and thoughtful, the more opportunities they have to navigate their internal landscape. They learn the path back to home base so well that they can get there quickly when needed.

Dog park dangers

Zoomies are part of the reason I avoid dog parks. Dog parks are usually full of dogs who don’t get enough exercise. Owners who “love” their dogs drive them to the fenced dog park and let them zoom around while they doom scroll. These dogs haven’t been trained to be safe off leash. They probably pull on the leash, which is why they aren’t getting walked. They use play and a fenced area as their only outlet for physical and mental stimulation. As we learned in quarantine, being locked up makes us more likely to take full advantage of the times we get to get out. The dog park is a breeding ground for an overly stimulated mindset, overly enthusiastic to the point of being dangerous play and inattentive owners.

The dogs I feel the worst about at dog parks are healthy dogs. Since most owners think zoomies are happy and healthy, the dog that steps in trying to stop the zoomies is often the one getting fussed at. Imagine booing the bouncer when they try to break up a bar fight. Healthy dogs are the dogs who get yelled at and disregulated dogs are the ones who get encouraged and rewarded. No wonder we have a dog problem in our culture.

A dog with leadership energy who takes on responsibility for the environment and the safety of the dogs in it will try to shut down an overly excited energy because it’s a disregulated and unsafe mindset. They do this by doing all the behaviors I discourage in play. They will race to cut the other dog off, body check them, try to pin them on the ground and stand over them, snapping at the dog till they regulate out of that dangerous and antisocial energy. It was absolutely incredible to see the dogs in my pack who would give this correction use the perfect pressure and timing and know exactly when the mindset had shifted back. Both dogs would shake it off and our enjoyable hike would continue.

A dog in a zoomies mindset is more likely to bodyslam, bite, bark at, hump, pin, stand over and overcorrect another dog inappropriately. If I felt someone grab my butt from behind, I may use my arms to push them away as I turn around to see what is going on. If I punched someone I wouldn't necessarily be wrong. I would be in an activated mindset - even a survival mindset. This isn’t an ideal response, but I wouldn't be wrong. Not only is a dog in a zoomies mindset likely to engage in a behavior another dog wouldn’t be wrong to correct them for, they are more likely to operate on instinct and overcorrect another dog. This could lead to a fight or a bite that could be easily avoided if both dogs were calm enough to be in a thinking mindset.

There is truly no harm in discouraging zoomies

My dogs don’t have less fun because of the bar I set for them, they get to have more. When my dogs are in public they are less likely to charge other dogs or play in a way that could start a fight. Because my dog knows they have to stay tuned in to me no matter how excited they get or what is going on around us, they are safe to take off leash and into stimulating environments. This means they get to enjoy more of the world, which is what truly makes for a good life. 

Not only that, but my dog gets to be a force of good in the world. Instead of harassing other dogs to the point of potentially traumatizing them because they think it’s “fun” or are too activated to read the room (and the dog’s energy and body language), my dog gets to be a healing presence - and she was.  If you think you have a “good” dog, if they are truly good in their heart, do you think they would rather be a negative energy that harms others emotionally or physically or a safe and healing force in the world? I think the latter, but they need our help!

Scout’s story

Sometimes a dog’s owner would join our hiking pack to learn how we manage their dog off leash and because seeing 7-20 dogs calmly hiking off leash was honestly a sight to behold. My other trainer and I always encouraged good manners and upheld healthy boundaries, especially around our personal space. Not only was this important for us keeping the dog (and the rest of the pack) safe and to reinforce good manners, but if a dog was so excited that they ran into us it could potentially break our leg, jeopardizing our livelihood.

When the dogs would play we wanted to keep the energy in long and low wavelengths. If the energy became short and steep (ie zoomies) we would say a calm “eaasy” or a slightly stronger “eh-eh” and start directing energy towards the dog with our body language. If they didn’t listen to a polite request we would move towards them, raising our voice, amplifying our body language, increasing the intensity of our energy and commands until we got the dog into a sit so they could reregulate or putting them back on leash. There was always a consequence for ignoring our commands.

When the dogs would play, if they got too close to us we would do a move I call “marching band knees.” Without moving my feet I raise my knees and the movement makes me less attractive as a space to get close to. If a dog did knock into us, we would have a large energetic response that would be memorable enough for the dog to maintain enough mental control when they were having fun to avoid us, which was a win/win.

When Scout’s owner joined us, Scout was very excited to find out that we knew each other since most of the dog’s never saw us and their owners at the same time! She was more amped than usual and when we stopped at the top of the trail to let the dogs play she flipped into an excited mindset. Because we had always set and maintained personal space boundaries, Scout kept track of where we were and used her breaks to avoid us. Her owner, who likely didn’t have the same consistent boundaries around personal space, didn’t get the same consideration. Scout the mini Aussie crashed into her owner with such force that it knocked her down. 

This shows that Scout was in her thinking brain enough to avoid the trainers and the consequence we would surely provide if she didn’t, but she didn’t care enough about her owner to do the same. This is why it’s so important to ask for the boundaries and respect we Need in excited moments in the calm moments where it isn’t essential to that interaction. 

Just because it’s common doesn’t make it normal

When I see videos of zoomies on instagram I see an owner who doesn’t understand dogs. I see an owner advertising that they are encouraging a potentially dangerous and antisocial behavior. I see an owner taking a clip out of what could be an otherwise calm life and pandering to other owners who don’t understand dogs for the positive reinforcement they get every time someone “likes” it. It makes me sad and it makes me worried. It makes the world unsafe for the dogs and humans that that dog encounters and for that dog themselves. 

Now that you know all this, pivot your perspective on zoomies and respond to them appropriately: 

-Learn to read your dog’s mindset and energy so you can step in and ask them to regulate before they get out of control

-Always test to see if your dog can pause or stop when you ask nicely

-Practice the good manners your dog needs in the moments that don’t matter so they will have access to them in the moments that they do

-Call your dog away from another dog with the zoomies - whether they are joining in or trying to correct, that dog zooming with no breaks is dangerous and their energy is contagious

-Practice having safe fun and incorporate pauses into your play

-spread the good word and send this article to the dog owners in your life to help me change the world and make it a better, safer place for dogs

The beach dog who walked me through grief

I got to the beach before sunrise. The dog was a light, sandy brown. I could have tripped over him. When I saw him sleeping in a ball I respectfully crossed to the other side of the path to the beach. To my surprise he got up and followed me. I waved my hand back and forth, as if to shoo him or dissuade him from getting too close to me, not knowing what his intentions were. 

I walked west towards apartment I rented last winter, towards my friend’s restaurant where I used to go. I was hoping to find the Englishman with the red hair and the dog who chased coconuts into the ocean. To my surprise the dog followed me and kept following me. He kept pace right next to me, pausing every now and then to search for crabs. As we walked, he ran up and barked at a Mexican man on the ridge of the sand carrying a stick, probably having had negative experiences with Mexican men with sticks. Wanting to help my dog friend, I fussed at him even though he had no control, even though I had no control as we don't really have a relationship. 

When my sandy dog would pause to hunt crabs I would stop and wait for him, watching the hunt. One time I saw a crab that didn't got his attention and I indicated with my hand where to look.  When it moved he went after it. I felt like this endeared me to him; he could see we were on the same team. I found a washed up reed on the beach near a smooth spot of sand. Walking, thinking about making this walk with Harley, thinking about being back in this place without her. This time I don't need to worry about her daily exercise schedule or the heat carrying her on my other shoulder along with my heavy computer, or worry about how each dog we passed would react to her and if she was safe. Even with her exquisite social skills, the dogs here have a code neither of us quite understood.

Alone on that section of the beach, I let myself cry, the kind of crying that changes your face in a way you don't want anyone to see. The dog, who had been staying within a bubble around me, but not coming too close, looped near me as if to check in. I reached down and scratched his head once to let him know I was all right. As he walked on I was grateful for the company. It can be hard to feel alone. I realized when we read that you'll probably misinterpret it. What I mean is it can be hard to feel when you're alone. We aren't really designed for it. His being there helped me release in to the sadness more than I would have on my own. 

Grief breaks us down and makes us want to believe a lot of things. I want to believe he knew that I needed the company before I did. I want to believe Harley is watching over me and she sent me a friend. I want to believe that of all the people who walked by, he chose me consciously and for a reason that means something about me. I think I believe that even though we're strangers because of what I know about dogs. We built a language - one where I can show him crabs and ask him not to bark when it might get him in trouble, one where we seem to have an understanding that we would wait for each other and work together. I want to believe, but I don't know if it's true.

This is part of why we get dogs. They're dependent on us. We can train them. We can let ourselves believe that they need us.  People get partners, get married for the companionship, to be chosen, to feel less alone on this earth. Children are dependent on us. They want our love. They need to ensure it for their survival. As they move through the world, we are the one constant. They reach for us. They reach for us. They reach for us, but we can't always be there. 

Perro, the uncreative name I've given my new dog friend approaches another dog, his body language stiff. I take a video, curious what he'll do, curious how the other dog will respond, if it will confirm my suspicions about his authority in the street dog world. The other dog politely sits, dips their nose down and away. He's pleased that his seniority has been recognized. After a quick sniff we walk on. I coo "good boy, good boy" because I’m pleased he moved on when I did. He wags his tail. You don't have to speak the same language to understand that happy, positive energy is a good thing. 

I love that about dogs. I want to say they don't hide their emotions, but then I think of Harley being tired, being sick, being in pain and so stoic. I wonder if she was worried about me, so obviously worried about her. I wonder if she was hiding what was going on inside of her from me to protect me or because she loved me or just because that is what animals do. 

I can tell from Perro’s wide head, from the way he carries his tail, from the way he approaches other dogs asking for their respect, that he moves through the world in a leadership role. When he spots another Mexican man I step towards him, trying to prevent a repeat performance, closing my hips, broadening my shoulders, making a sound that says no like the rumble strip on a highway. I annoy him until he decides it isn’t worth the trouble and he's back on track.

Perro has followed me quite far from where I found him, but I imagine he knows this simple long beach and can find his way back. I hope I'm not disrupting him as I indulge my deep desire for company, companionship. Me, usually so proud to be so fine alone, but I’m grateful he chose me, especially this morning, walking this beach without Harley and being unprepared, even though I knew it was coming, by how it grips my heart.

Giving and receiving mindfully with dogs

What I’m passionate about teaching people, the work I feel I have to do in the world to advocate for dogs, what I know to be true is that dogs are a different species and so many of the behaviors we struggle with are rooted in how we see them and how that leads us to treat them in a way that is not appropriate for who they are as animals or helpful for our greater goals with them.

We love giving to our dogs. We take pride in it. They are the screen savers on our phones, we wear shirts that say ‘pet parent,’ we base our identity off bring a dog owner because it’s such a big and important part of our lives. We love giving to our dogs, but sometimes we don’t always know what they need, what they want, or how to balance that with what we feel best when giving.

The Wheel of Consent

I love this concept and I think it is a great way of better understanding our interactions with our dogs as well as with people. Betty Martin came up with a four quadrant diagram to help us conceptualize a system of giving and receiving. We can give in a way that is generous or selfish and we can receive in a way that is fulfilling to us or doing a service for the giver.

Let’s say you are in a bad mood and I ask you simply “do you want to go for a walk?” I know that you usually enjoy walking and, while it isn’t exactly what I’d like to do in that moment, I think it would make you feel better so I suggest it. You have had a long day and are feeling tired, but you care about me and since I seem to want to go walk and desire your company, you agree. Then we have two people on a walk, neither of whom really want to be here! Betty’s chart helps give the clarity of intention and language to where I can say “would it make you feel better if I joined you for a walk?” to which you could say that you appreciated the offer and may take me up on it another time, but feel like resting. 

The Wheel of Consent ties in to our dogs to help us get clear on what a dog needs or enjoys

Serving - where you take an action to benefit the other

Taking - where you want something that will benefit you

Allowing - where you let another act the way they want

Accepting - where you benefit from the actions of the other

Serving and allowing are giving in nature while taking and accepting are receiving.

Let’s talk about dogs:

Serving - giving your dog one to two hours of exercise a day 

Yes! Any dog, any age. You may have to build up to it, but every dog would benefit from an hour outside the house engaged in an activity. Maybe it’s broken up into 20 minute chunks, but to me this is the minimum daily investment any good dog owner needs to make. If you are out with your dog less than a minimum of one hour every day, meet this daily quota for one month straight and your behavior problem may radically change.

Taking - rewarding your dog when they excitedly greet you at the door, hugging or holding your dog when they strain to get away, taking your dog to a patio to sit next to you in a loud, crowded, public space where they aren’t free to move or interact naturally (especially when you haven’t exercised them to the point of exhaustion that day)

These are actions we take with our dogs that benefit us, but really aren’t what our dog wants or needs. It feels good to have someone in our lives excitedly bound up to us when we get home, but by returning that excited energy, petting them, cooing to them, or pretty much doing anything but ignoring or correcting them, we are amplifying their anxiety at being left alone, rewarding an excited state (and what we reward we get more of!), teaching them bad manners for greetings that could scare or upset company and set a bad habit of generally greeting excitedly that will have a massive negative impact on their interactions with other dogs. We don’t realize the harm we can do by allowing ourselves this indulgence. After all, being excitedly greeted by our dog when we come in was one of the main perks of dog ownership our culture marketed to us. It’s part of why we got them, now the mean trainer lady is telling you that it isn’t good for the dog, your relationship with them, or their relationship with other animals and people. Sorry, everyone. Trust me, if I had better news I’d be sharing it.

Allowing - Teaching your dog to be safe off leash so they can interact with dogs, smell, move, run and explore naturally

We need to let dogs be dogs! Training seems to limit dogs being dogs in the stereotypical way we think of dogs. I find training doesn’t limit a dog’s life, it allows for it. I make sure my dog and I have a relationship where they listen to me unconditionally so I can keep them safe. I teach them to not let me get out of their sight so they don’t get lost. I teach them to come when called so they can keep enjoying the privilege of being free. I teach them to calmly greet other dogs so when I’m not holding the leash they don’t make dangerous choices. Yes, I’m limiting some of their natural behaviors, but these are the dark sides of their personality coin - the rude, pushy, impulsive, behaviors that could get them lost, in a fight, hit by a car, or even ordered to be euthanized.  By saying no to certain behaviors, I’m giving a big green light to something my dog will value above all else, the ability to move freely through the hiking trails and parks off leash. 

Accepting - Accepting their polite bids for attention and giving them scratches, pets, playing calm tug, and enjoying sweet kisses

Accepting is where we benefit from the actions of others that they also enjoy. Most of the time we think of the list above, enjoying our dogs’ affectionate expressions so we can engage in what we as humans know to be loving interactions. For me, what dogs allow us to do is something that we need and want even more than getting love - the opportunity to be of service. We want someone to give to, to consider, even to sacrifice for. 

After years of working with dogs, my list looks a little different. 

The way I serve a dog and the gift I accept from them is a higher calling for me to center within myself and BE who they need me to be so they can feel safe in the world. For their sake I am calm, confident, aware of the environment, deliberate about how we move through the world, mindful of their energy, where their attention is and if they are being impulsive and pushy or tuned in and respectful.

Yes, I miss out on some of the fun other dog owners have. I know better than to think a dog running wild or playing rough is having fun because I know that energy is one that is more likely to cause an accident or dog fight. I don’t let them run up to me, lean on me, push into my space or flip my hand for more pets because I know that it’s rude and will affect how they see me and how well they listen to me. I know that a dog dragging to a smell is learning to pull, be pushy and getting into an instinctive mindset that will lead to them getting in trouble either within a few minutes or at another time. 

While being a dog trainer and knowing what I know has meant giving up on a lot of things that our culture sees as the fun of dogs, I also get to enjoy things many owners never get to experience. I can be tuned in to dogs in a way that feels like having ESP. I can teach any dog to walk nicely on the leash and dogs who don’t pull get walked more. I help dogs learn to be safe off leash and after a lot of time saying ‘no’ to the things that aren’t allowed off leash, they get a life of ‘yes’ enjoying the trails.

Everyone lies on social media, even dogs!

We all know that someone's social media image isn't necessarily indicative of the reality of their life. Well, the same is true for dog photos. We, as humans, are terrible at reading dog body language and this holds true for photographs as well. 

One of the most common  misconceptions is an easy one. Panting looks a lot like smiling! When a dog is panting, it can mean they are hot, but it can also be a sign of anxiety. A few weeks ago on a bar patio someone offhandedly commented on all the happy dogs there. He saw a few dogs sitting or laying down and panting, or, to his eyes, smiling. What I saw was dogs that were warm and anxious. They were most likely uncomfortable on the rocks by the picnic table their owner was sitting at. The music from the nearby stage was likely too loud for them. Being held on leash or tied up in a public space where there are people and other dogs can be stressful. These dogs were okay, but it probably wasn't their favorite day. Dogs are good sports about most things, but if owners were able to accurately read their dog's body language, they may make different choices about when to bring a dog along and when the dog may prefer to be left home.

The truth is, we are part of the problem! The photos we choose to post online or send to owners conform to these misinterpretations. We may not post this photo to Instagram because the dogs all look so serious. Some are distracted by a sound, a few are looking at the camera, only one is panting, but because of their ear position they don't necessarily look happy. The truth is, these dogs are calm and focused on the job at hand, which is staying in the position we put them in and maintaining the stay till they are released, despite whatever that distracting sound off to the left is. Judging by their body language, these dogs would be able to be calmly released from the pose and continue on with the hike without too much fuss (meaning us fussing at them).

Don't these dogs look happier? I don't know how long we were hiking before this photo or how warm it was that day, but the truth is they are probably hot.

Check out Nell's expression in this photo. She looks so serious! The truth is that she is calm and focused. Her ears are perked and her tail is up, telling me that she is perfectly content. 

Beware the lie of the tail - not every wag is a happy one. A slow deliberate wag can be a sign of discomfort. A tail that is out and up, but stiff can also be a sign of tension. In both of those scenarios, I may try to get my dog's attention or shift the situation so my dog feels more comfortable.

Nell is a Rhodesian Ridgeback so she has a stripe of hair that grows in the opposite direction along her spine. On any other breed of dog, the look of her back would indicate discomfort and be referred to as 'having her hackles up'. It's the body's version of growling. 

For me, when it comes to what I want to see from my dog, I care more about a calm energy and mentality than them looking happy. Wouldn't it be weird if you had a friend that was smiling all the time? Like, all the time? Well, intermittently riling our dogs up so their affect conforms to our perception of happiness can be detrimental to your dog's mental health and general obedience. I mean, I get it. These dogs really do look a bit blue or grumpy, but this is a place we have to retrain our brains so that our perception of our dogs more closely matches the reality. While I wouldn't post these pictures because they don't match our idea of a happy dog, this is, in actuality, more of the look I want the dogs who are with me to have.